Loss

So I put on my big girl shoes (4 inch heels) and a polka dot dress, red nails and lips and stood in my apartment thinking "I can't do this".

You know you have a really good friend when you're half an hour late, standing in your bathroom arguing with yourself about whether or not you can actually leave the apartment and go to this wedding, and he texts you from the car downstairs saying "If you are giving yourself a Liz Lemon pep talk in the mirror, wrap it up. It's time to go."

And I'm glad I did. My very good friend looked very happy, came over and gave me a hug when I walked in (I think everyone was taking bets on whether or not I'd show up) and then married a beautiful girl I introduced him to two years ago.

The funny thing is, all along, I had the whole thing wrong. Yes, it was hard to see people who used to be good friends who I haven't seen in a couple of years and feel personally betrayed by. Yes, it was hard sitting through a wedding, performed by the same man who married me to my husband.

By not all that hard.

The hard part about walking out the door, I realized, standing there in the mirror this morning, wasn't about anyone else. It was about me. It was accepting that this is my life now. That I'm divorced. That Travis isn't waiting for me in the car, won't be sitting with me at dinner or dancing with me later on. I'm single. My life will never be the way it was before.

And yes, I get all the reasons why I got here, and some of the reasons it's better this way, but the girl in the mirror this morning did not want to walk out the door and go to a wedding without her husband.

Ex-husband.

All those people there today, who used to be my friends, I loved them. But, I really, really loved Travis. I still do. And he's not trying to hold me back in any way. I'm the only one standing in my way.

What's next? I'm still figuring it out. While I'm at it, we'll start with dinner and dancing. :)