Anniversaries suck. And are awesome.
On one hand, I wonder where the past five years have gone. How much of that time have I spent in bed crying? A lot. Thank the Universe for my brother who put up with me and held my hand.
On the other hand, five years might not be that long of a time to reset yourself. Today I was feeling sorry for myself, yet again. I had to take a step back and realize how lucky I truly am.
Three years ago, I had been reinstated as a JW for a year. I decided to leave on my own. My choice this time. That decision led to my divorce. I love my ex-husband, but we had different views of the world at that point. We tried to work it out for two years, but no JW elder can have a wife who is a non-believer. So it wasn't meant to be.
I still deal with anxiety, which as I've learned lately from being an active member of many Ex-JW websites is a common theme. But I'm happy. I think the happiness trap is that we think we should be happy all the time. Which no one is. And that belief is making us miserable. Negative thoughts and emotions can actually be positive if they incite us to make positive changes in our lives.
Look at how many famous, rich people commit suicide or die from a drug overdose. This idea that our happiness is controlled by external forces is silly. It's not. We all go through the peaks and valleys of life, sometimes, we have really hard things to get through: sickness, relationships not working out, change, rejection. It's up to us to overcome. And we can.
I have a new friend who rocks my world. Last night at the beach:
Cameron: Have you written a blog about me yet?
Me: No, not yet.
He picked me up at the downstairs bar one night, called me over to weigh in on a conversation. He said he just knew we had to be friends. We're going to two charity events this coming week together. I totally love him and he makes me so happy.
Lizzie said the same thing the first time we hung out. "I need to be friends with this girl". She's the best friend. I would never trade the relationships I have now to have the old ones back. It's a completely different concept, people who just love you for who you are and accept all our differences whether it's beliefs or lifestyle, instead of asking you to conform to a certain set of rules to be allowed into the group. My dad always said you can count the number of real friends you have on one hand. I have more than that. I love my job (but it stresses me out), I love where I live. I love my freedom.
I started out this particular anniversary day feeling sad. I'm not anymore. I've wished over and over again that I could have grown up differently, gone a different path than putting all my effort into a cult. But it's not all bad. I learned how to work with people. How to help others. I had a marriage that I don't regret.
Don't fall into the Happiness Trap. Those bad feelings, when they come, are part of life. And don't they make you appreciate the good ones so much more? Embrace them. Learn from them. And don't take the good ones for granted.
Sullivan out.
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