Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Why is a Raven like a Writing Desk?

I've had that quote from Alice in Wonderland stuck in my head all week. Ever since Jay decided I needed a writing desk. Apparently the reason I'm stuck somewhere between writers block and hating the whole half book I've written so far is because I didn't have a proper desk.

I'm not a raven, I'm a blackbird, but close enough. As usual, Jay solved that problem.

You know what the challenge is with writing a book? On a blog, it's real time. However I feel today, that's what I can write about. Short and sweet. Get it out of my head and move on.

A book is complicated. If I go back to the beginning. I guess I could start somewhere in the middle, but nothing would make any sense.

I thought I was living a dual life and I honestly didn't know which side was the real me. Was I a saint or a sinner? I've been both. I've been loyal and I've betrayed. I can turn on a country song and feel an ache in my heart for home. I'm also a certified city girl. I love my hippie dresses and my Kate Spade purses equally.

The people I love now, they're just as imperfect as I am. I don't care anymore about religious sides in this silly war. I don't care if you're happily married or happily living in sin. Straight or gay or undecided. All I care is that you're happy. After a lifetime of judging people and trying to convert them, finding this truth makes me very, very happy.

That's why I still think I should tell my story. So people know there's an afterlife in this life. There's a happy way out, even if you have to go through hell to get there. I won't lie. It is HELL. But it's worth it. The JWs are wrong. Paradise is the here and now. It's messy and not all that easy sometimes, but it's better than spending a whole life believing in fairy tales. We make our happiness in this life.

So I promise to put this desk to good use. It actually makes me feel inspired. I'll dust off the book and see what happens.

And if you're going to go to bed wondering why the raven is like a writing desk? Google it. While you listen to some country music. There's room in us for all the different parts that make us up. That makes us something beautiful.

Sullivan out.

Monday, 6 March 2017

Phoenix Rising

In ancient Greek mythology, a phoenix is a bird, that's always reborn. It rises from the ashes of it's predecessor, thanks to a little help from the Sun God.

My girlfriend: This is OUR year! Phoenix rising!

Me: Sure.

In my head, I thought nope. I tell myself every single year, this year will be different. Better. I'll be stronger. Then usually, the Universe tries to kill me again. Sometimes I get sick. Sometimes I make myself sick. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This last time though, my mentor came to see me in the hospital. I was hooked up to all these tubes and generally miserable and he was like, you're not depressed this time though. I'm really proud of you. I'll tell you a secret: I wasn't depressed because I just didn't care if I died or not this time. To be honest, not the time before that either. Or the time before that.

I know I've let you all down a bit. I keep getting messages asking why I don't write anymore. I guess I just gave up. What's the point of continuing in a fight you know you're never going to win? The Watchtower, like all big corporations, is fueled by money hungry, selfish men who are self-important enough to wield their power without remorse over their loyal, blind subjects. Who obey either out of guilt, fear or just plain brainwashing.

Like any organization, they're not all bad. There are some very, very good, yet terribly misled people amoung them. Some of us used to be those people. Then we woke up. Realized the truth and despite how hard we tried, we couldn't un-learn what we now know.

They are so good at the guilt and fear though, most of us can't say anything out loud against them. For fear of repercussion. Fear of losing our families. All the people we have ever loved.

The Universe reminded me last week that I'm not supposed to shut up. If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. I think I've helped a lot of you to quietly get out the smart way. Not the way I did - crash and burn. I promise you though, I'll always be here if you need to talk. I can tell your story if you want me to (anonymously), and some of you have already asked me to do that. I'm sorry I've been absent. I shouldn't be. Unlike most of you, I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore.

The phoenix rises from the ashes. Remember that. We can be re-born and become stronger, better and more beautiful than ever. We just have to go through the fire to get there. It's magic. If you believe in it, you will get there. :)

PS. A phoenix is so much cooler than a blackbird, isn't it??

Sullivan out.