Friday, 27 January 2017

Stand By Me

"When the night has come, and the land is dark. And the moon is only light we'll see. I won't be afraid..."

I've been hanging out with my favorite couple in the dog park the past couple of days.

Them: How was Cuba?

Me: It was great. Exactly what I needed.

Them: This guy must really want to get together with you.

He doesn't. We tried that, like a million years ago. I don't even know how long we've been friends at this point. A long time, since my life only really started about 7 years ago. I was a terrible girlfriend. The worst.

Somehow though, he's stuck with me. Like a lot of people, I hated 2016. I got sick and almost died. At the same time I lost my job. Then, the guy I'd been seeing for months disappeared. He said I was too inconvenient and not "fun enough" when I wasn't well. He didn't even call me once when I was in the hospital for two weeks.

You know who was there though? Jay. Every. Single. Day. And for the two months after that, when I could barely get out of bed and was in pain all the time. The other guy was right, I wasn't much fun.

Jay decided we should get away and start the new year happy. So we did. The first night, we were watching some live music. It was all in Spanish and the guy was an excellent musician. I went up to meet him on one of his breaks and I asked him if he could play a song for us. Without skipping a beat, he smiled and started to play Stand By Me.

It was appropriate. Anytime anything bad happens, Jay shows up. He holds my hand and says "I got you". And he does. There are so many different kinds of love out there. I'm still not used to the unconditional kind. Love doesn't have to be romantic. It just has to be real. This love story is. I'm a happy girl. :)

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 15 January 2017

In Repair

My conversation with my therapist on Friday:

Ross: You've had a bad month. Maybe you should get rid of your sword.

Me (annoyed): You're the one who told me to get a sword.

Ross: Hmmm. You're right. So how about we just say the sword is your friend?

The sword is my friend. But like all my friends, it has hurt me. One night I had friends over and they were making fun of me and they said, that's not a real sword. So I took it off the wall to prove that it was. It fell out of it's sheath and slashed me. I probably should have gone to the hospital and gotten stitches but Jayjay thinks anything can be cured by putting ice on it. I have a nasty little scar on my wrist and for months people accused me of trying to kill myself again.

Give me a little credit. I already have one failed suicide attempt to my name. I wouldn't be stupid the next time. You don't slash it that way, you do it the other way.

I have realized something though. It's not my friends who make me think about things like that. I wouldn't even be here today without three people. You know who you are. You love me even when I get down, even when I cry. And you celebrate me when I'm on top. You are the best. Like everyone I know who is messed up, my problem is with my mother.

I would like to think if I had been lucky enough to have kids, I would have loved them no matter what. It wouldn't matter to me what religion they chose, whether they were straight or gay, whether they made tons of money or decided to be struggling artists.

We all make choices. My choices have got me to where I am today. Ross says though, that's a good thing. That I need to stop doubting myself and basing my self worth on the people who judge me, And he's right. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Fuck Linda.

I am in repair. I might never be the "perfect" person I was as a Jdub. And I'm totally okay with that. All you really need is three people to love you, to believe in you. My dad always says you can count the number of real friends you have in your life on one hand. I'm lucky. : )

The hair goes pink again today, just FYI.

Sullivan out.

Monday, 9 January 2017

Broken Places

"The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places."

Lindsay loves it when I blog about her so here we go. My friend is focused. She knows what she wants and it's just love at the end of the day. I can't even count how many dates she's been on. (Just dates, don't go thinking all dirty.)

I can't remember everyone's name and sometimes I mix them all up. I usually do not like them. I told one of them that one night. We went for dinner and I just looked at him and said, I don't like you. I was right, he was an asshole, but she was understandably worried when I was coming over to meet her new boyfriend.

He is lovely. Even my jaded, critical mind couldn't find anything wrong with him. He made us dinner and did the dishes so we could have some alone time to catch up. We all want to be loved. Some of us just work harder at it. I don't really date. I hate new people and they always end up being disappointing.

I did date one guy this past year who got to me. In seven years since Adam, no one gets to me. My heart has really huge walls and they are covered in barb wire, unless you are in the inner circle, you don't get in.

He was a very old friend though and I actually loved him. It irritates me how everyone says it wasn't a "real relationship". Yah I'm talking about you, my family. If something feels real to you, all the people who judge you are just noise. Hey, I've spent 7 years on here talking about Adam. I don't care about that anymore. If all this guy did is get me to the other side, good on him.

I told Lindsay they were moving too fast. But, I'm just noise. I want her to be happy and she is. I just can't shake the side of me that doesn't trust anyone anymore. That prefers to be alone rather than to be courageous and put myself out there like she does.

I literally have three people I trust. Four people if we count my therapist. I cherish them. People who I know, in my darkest hour, I can call and they won't judge me. If the depression comes back and I can't leave the apartment, they will walk my dog. And make me eat. Three people is all you really need. :)

Meryl Streep said last night to take your broken heart and turn it into art, My heart has been broken so many times I can't count it anymore. I hate that I still love those people. But I'm working on a book. And the broken places? They are all just blog fodder. I am still cute. I could pretend on social media that I'm perfect. You would never know the truth. I'd rather be honest. That's why y'all still read me right?

Sullivan out.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Fascinating & Heartbreaking

Liz: Have you watched Leah Remini's show on Scientology? Fascinating and heartbreaking.

Me: That's my life in a nutshell. I don't need to watch the show, I've lived it.

Not that I was a Scientologist. That would be just a tad more embarrassing that being a Jehovah's Witness. Again, I'm gonna go with, not my fault, I was raised that way.

You know what the funny thing is? I'm so happy. Did my life go to shit leaving them? Yes. You probably don't know what it's like though, waking up in the morning and finally being able to make your own decisions. If I want to wear a short skirt, I can. If I want to say "fuck", that's fine. No one gets to dictate what I wear, how I talk, who I can or cannot be friends with. I'm free.

At the end of the day, our lives are short and living free was the only option for me. Were things better when I naively believed we would all live forever in paradise? Yes and No. I was like a 32 year old kid who still believed in Santa.

My therapist thinks I'm fascinating. I'm sure he's writing a book about me. That's the only possible explanation why he waives his $200 an hour fee to just talk to me every time I run out of money. Or maybe, he's just a good guy who wants to help. Like so many of the "dangerous", "bad", "worldly" people I've met on the outside.

It's a New Year. Life honestly, is beautiful, despite the bumps. I've had a bumpy few days into January but I'm sure it's all onward and upward from here. And when the day gets too long, despite my hundreds of failed relationships, I can just come home to this guy, who loves me no matter what. He has to. I feed him! :)

Sullivan out.