Sunday, 25 December 2016

Merry Christmas or Bust

Lindsay: How about a wee Christmas blog?

Me: No way. That would just depress everyone, me included.

But it seems I cannot be stopped.

2016 has not been a stellar year. This was actually one of the worst years I've ever had. I think we all know though that it wasn't just me who ran into some really big roadblocks. A lot of people have been struggling to keep their head above water, hanging on for that magical day when we wake up and it's 2017.

Helen Mirren famously said: "At this time of celebration and togetherness, we have a chance to reflect on the year gone by. And I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a big pile of shit."

We've lost some legends: David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, George Michael. Last Christmas they were all still with us. The economy has been bad. It seems like every time you turn around someone else has cancer. Donald Trump is President elect of the United States. It could be a good time to lose hope altogether, pull the blankets over our heads and pretend the storm howling around us isn't there at all. Or...

...we could not give up. Not stop believing that everything is always new in a new year and that we can have a fresh start. It's not just a new year that gives us that chance. It's every single day when we wake up in the morning. Tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it. :)

Doesn't mean we won't make a few mistakes before we've even finished our morning coffee, or that we won't get a phone call with some bad news before we even leave for work. I know it's cliche to say that it's not our circumstances that define our happiness in life, it's our attitude. But cliches are cliches for a reason. And the older we get, the more we realize that is true.

As I look back on 2016, one of the biggest blessings I've received is realizing just how much the people in my life care about me. How lucky I am to have those that have stood by my side when I was afraid or sad or anxious. I have amazing friends.

How lucky I am to be home this Christmas with my family. To go to church with them on Christmas Eve (don't get me wrong, I'm never going back to church for real but the service was lovely), to wake up with them this morning, to have people to say "I love you" to before I go to bed.

We all have a choice on how we will look back on this past year. I'm not saying that a lot of us don't have good reasons to be glad to see it go and hope beyond hope that next year will be oh-so-much better. For us and for those we care for. But if we think really hard, I'm sure we can all come up with a pretty good list of things to be grateful for, leave this year in the past and be merry with our family and friends. At the end of the day, who knows if we'll still be here next Christmas? We can, however, thank the Universe we made it through to see this one.

Merry Christmas. I wish you all peace, love and laughter during the holidays. Remember: 2017 is only 7 days away! :)

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Lost & Found

Christmas is a hard time of year for a lot of people. I would know. I tried to kill myself one Christmas. The next one, I took all my sharp knives to my girlfriends place and asked her to keep them for me until I felt better. Then I came home and lied on the floor and didn't get up for a couple of days. It was self preservation. 

If you are struggling, just know that it gets better. This is a picture of all the pictures on my fridge. It's happy. But it didn't happen overnight. It took a long, long time to build that collage. I was so lost for so long. These people saved me. My life still isn't perfect. I'm still figuring things out. However, there is so much love out there. We all deserve it. So if you're happy and healthy, do what you can this Christmas to help others. Volunteer at a shelter. Give a tooney to that homeless man on the corner that you usually ignore. Pay it forward. 

And if you're on the other side, please call 1-800-273-8255. Talk to someone. Make it back. I can't promise you anything, but I'm sure that if you do, you'll find your people. And what's lost will be found. It might be better than anything you lost in the first place. :)

Sullivan out. 

Saturday, 10 December 2016

The Dreamer

"I am just a dreamer but I'm hanging on. Though I am nothing big to offer. I watch the birds, how they dive and then gone like nothing in this world is ever still."

I've had a lot of change this year. 2016 kinda sucked. I left my job, the only really stable thing in my life besides Max. Then there was the whole almost dying drama. Then the guy I was seeing - actually the first guy I ever really liked since I left the jdubs dumped me. And why wouldn't he? I'm fabulous but I'm also a mess.

The thing is, I've gone through most of the past seven years like I'm fucking Uma in Kill Bill. I even bought the same sword. (Sidepoint: Swords are sharp, Don't play with them.) As I went on my vendetta against the JWs for what they did to me, I had to eventually realize that I have accountability here too.

I knew what I was doing when I broke the rules, and I also knew that breaking the rules is the only way to break free of them. My perfect little life there wasn't real. But it felt real. So when it was gone, I picked up my sword and went on the attack. And there's really no reason to. All of these new people who have come along, all of the new opportunities I've had - that's the real life. It's not some illusion of how everyone is always best friends and we're going to live forever.

We won't. I don't know what happens when we die, but I do know that we're gone. So we have to make the most of what we have now, appreciate every kindness and all the love we're shown. Because all of us are worthy of that. No matter how many mistakes we've made.

I let my guard down this year and decided to let someone in. Didn't work out, but unless we take that step, we're just going to end up alone. As much as I've told myself thousands of times over the past seven years that I don't need anyone...I do. We all need people.

I know I say this every New Years and it never seems to work out for me, I think this year will be better. I used to be such a dreamer but I'm pretty firmly rooted in reality now. Doesn't mean that I don't still watch the birds and imagine that some day I'll be that free. I'm almost there. Love is all that matters. If someone doesn't want to give you that, wish them well and move on. And wait for the people who will. Keep the sword close though, just in case. :)

Sullivan out.

Thursday, 1 December 2016

Christmas Cockroach

Me: So my doctor gave me a clean bill of health (only relevant because in September I almost died)

My brother: That is fantastic, it's a miracle!

Me: I'm like a cockroach I can't be killed.

My brother: Oh yah, and people are trying to fumigate you. Jesus, this got morbid quick.

It's true. You can cut the head off a cockroach and they won't die, those crazy motherfuckers.

You know, it's funny. They talk all the talk about positivity, which I have always tried to send out to everyone who reads this blog. Apparently your attitude can make such a huge difference when it comes down to those situations where you may or may not die.

I stopped blogging because I wasn't willing to do that anymore. I honestly didn't care. If I lived, if I died, whatever. I had two friends who knew about it and against my wishes they contacted everyone else. Before I knew it, my hospital room was filled with flowers and I had so many visitors I just wished they would all leave.

I didn't call anyone that I wanted to say goodbye to when the doctors said there was a 90% chance I would die there. I honestly just didn't care.

But then things started changing. My last boss, he would come over every second day. Bring his lunch and sit next to my hospital bed and talk with me on his break before he went back to work. I didn't even work there anymore.

My ex-boyfriend would bring me food every day cause y'all know I'm a picky eater and hospital food sucks. He even brought my dog to see me because I was so sad I couldn't see him.

My friends in the dog park could tell I wasn't well when I got home and they'd take Max out for fun playdates in the country or at the beach. They invited me over for dinner tonight and we just talked and laughed and watched our dogs play like none of this ever happened.

But it did.

I re-learned a lesson I've learned so many times but keep forgetting. It's taken me months to process everything that happened. There were a few people noticeably absent. My mother, my sister. The guy I was seeing at the time. People who for whatever reason chose not to show up.

I can spend the rest of my life fixated on a few people who didn't love me enough. Or, I can realize that family is what you make of it. I have mothers and sisters and brothers who will never share my blood. But they share my life. They still want me around. And as much as I kind of have a beef with the Universe right now, apparently she's not done with me yet either.

At the end of day, I'm a nobody. Just a little, temporary speck in the Universe. The same Universe that keeps showing me over and over that I am blessed to have what I have. The people who choose to love me despite all my imperfections. All my mistakes. The friends who have got me through the past seven years and showed me what it's like to finally find unconditional love. The ones who hug me when I cry.

It's out there waiting for all of us. Jehovah's Witnesses? They're the ones who cut our heads off. Leave us bloodied and bleeding and untrusting of anyone who says they love us. The real world is full of loving, accepting, kind individuals who won't let us almost die alone, even if we want to.

It's December, Christmas is coming. Be happy. Be a cockroach. We're immortal :)

Sullivan out.

Friday, 18 November 2016

The Happiness Project

"If you want to be happy, be." - Tolstoy

After my most recent brush with death, I haven't spent very much time trying to figure life out. It's strange, I think a lot of times, people who go through that have these great epiphanies. "Oh now I know what I want, what was missing, where to channel my energy in life." Not me. And I used to be a great romantic. Maybe I've just almost died too many times. 

I walked out of the hospital, went home to bed and cursed the entire time I was in recovery. Not on the outside. When my family (who worries about me) calls, I'm "great". My girlfriend kept asking me "How do you stay so happy and positive? I'd be going mental." Truth be told, I kinda was. But I manned up. I was diligent about healthy food and taking my meds on time and going to all my doctor's appointments, even when there were four or five of them in a week. I worked so hard to get better, even when I wasn't sure that's what I wanted. I don't even write anymore. 

I've gradually re-introduced myself to real life and there's one thing I've noticed. People in general are just not happy. I was talking to a kid today (like a 20-something) and asked him why did he think our generation is so messed up? My friends are smart, successful, stable, good-looking. Why aren't they happy? He said he thought the world has always been like this, but now there's more awareness. More effort to break the stigmas around mental health and allow people to be honest and get the help they need. That's the answer you'd expect from someone young and optimistic. 

Y'all know I've been through a couple of bad depressions. This time though, I didn't go back there. Maybe I was just in survival mode. Maybe I've done such a good job on my positivity campaign that I've even fooled myself into thinking that I'm happy. 

I had lunch with my girlfriend today and she said: "But Margaux, you don't have any problems!" Okay buddy. I have news for you. I've had some bad years. Every year I think things will get better but they don't. 2016? Don't let the door hit you on the way out. I got very, very sick. I don't have a job. I dated two guys in the past year, really liked both of them. I hate online dating but I met them both in real life. Everything was great, until out of the blue they each dumped me for no reason they cared to share. If I don't find a job soon I'll probably have to pack up my dog and either be homeless or move back to the Maritimes. It's scary some days. 

I think the trap of the idea of "happiness" is just that we think we all deserve it. And we deserve to feel it ALL the time. Of course, if I could wave a wand and make everyone in the world happy, I would. But that's not the world we live in. Even if you get that job you really want, or the guy you want to marry, the kids, the financial stability, the health...every day it's still going to be up to you to get up and decide if you're happy or not. It's really not our circumstances, it's our mindset. I'm not trying to downplay depression and anxiety, I know all too well that they can be consuming. I still have old JW-life nightmares when I wake up scared and confused and I don't remember what happened to half my family, to my husband. After a few minutes it comes back and I realize this is my life now. I have to get out of bed regardless. 

If I had to go back, I'd make most of the same decisions all over again, with a few tweaks. Knowing you're doing your best and being true to yourself - that's a big part of the Happiness Project. We all need to work at it. But if you do it long enough, it doesn't really seem to be so much work. :)

Here's something that makes me happy: pink hair. If I wasn't afraid I might actually get called for an interview one of these days, I'd keep it. Find whatever it is that makes you happy. When things are good, smile all day. It won't make the bad days go away, but it will give you something to draw on to get you through to tomorrow. 

Sullivan out. 

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Live Free or Die Hard

It's election day in the US. Apparently everyone is moving to Canada if Trump gets elected. I've learned a thing or two over the past years. I tried, foolishly probably, to fight the Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought if I could just expose them for what they are, people would listen and things would change. We could free people from their mind control, their ability to control everyone's life who has been touched by them. I failed.

People better and stronger than me have tried to stand up for freedom of thought, of choice, of religion. I think it's a noble cause. But it takes it's toll.

I haven't blogged in months and that's because I worked so hard to sell hope on here. Even though I just kept getting gutted and I didn't want everyone to know that. Part of that was my bad choices, the wrong decisions I made. Part of it was sabotage from people who were supposed to love me.

A couple of months ago, I ended up in the hospital again. I wasn't supposed to live this time. Being given a one in ten chance of survival is not encouraging. Then they came to me with some papers to sign to say I would accept blood transfusions. Now, that's a big no-no with the J-dubs. As much as I'd felt I'd moved on, they still did and always will have a hold on me. I hesitated. I was alone and didn't know what to do. I was so sad when I got out of the hospital and found out a 27-year-old mother in Quebec refused them and gave into constant pressure from elders (NOT DOCTORS) from the organization who relentlessly pressured her to say no. She died.

Whether it's politics or personal, it seems that we can't control much more than our own personal well-being. These big, powerful, rich people and corporations might, at the end of the day, always win. But we can keep up the fight. As long as we always remember to take care of ourselves. Get rid of the anger, resentment, grief. We need to feel those emotions...fully...and then move on. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be broken.

This morning I weighed 98 lbs. And when I hit my yoga mat, I was angry at my limitations. All of us though are here for a reason. You are, I am. Whatever happens to us, if we can look at the big picture, we are a tiny speck that could be gone at any time. But for now, this is our place. We can still make the world better, no matter who is President, who is in control, and even if we lose a little along the way. As long as we don't lose ourselves. :)

Remember: The world breaks everyone. Then many are strong in the broken places. We have two choices people: Live Free or Die Hard.

Sullivan out.

Monday, 8 August 2016

Nautical Disaster

Sometimes I feel adrift. Okay, more like I'm sinking. Like right now. But there are a few people who are always there for me.

And I have to say thank you. Jay always says "I got you". And I gotta admit, he does. You can't leave the apartment? I'll come over and hold your hand so you can take your dog out. You need money? Clothes? Company? I got you.

And he's not the only one but I figured it was time for him to deserve his own blog.

Last week was not great. I had to meet with a lawyer to resolve some issues. I had to contact my ex-husband to resolve some other things. Then the JWs thought it would be a good time to swoop in. Remind me of all the things I try to forget. I broke up with the guy I was seeing. I kept thinking about taking the sword off the wall and making this time be the last time I feel like this.

Then I thought about Donia, who was one of the best friends and best people I've ever known. She beat cancer twice. The third time won. Most people don't understand it, but depression is a disease too. She was so mad at me when I tried to kill myself because she fought so hard to live.

So round three is not going to get me. My bounce back time is getting better every time. I just hate this version of me. On the other hand, how lucky am I to have people who stick with me every time?

When Donia was dying, I sat by her hospital bed for hours every week, even when she didn't know I was there. I guess the Universe does pay it back when you're a good person.

This whole story didn't end up being all about Jay. :) But he did used to drive me to the hospital to see her and wait outside for me and take me home. He sits with me when I cry. He makes sure I eat. He loves Max. He's paid my vet bills when I couldn't and slept by my side when I couldn't be trusted to be alone.

Depression lies to us. It tells us that we are not worthy of love. That we are weak. And society hasn't caught up to accepting the fact that this is not some made up condition in our head. And those stigmas? They aren't true.

If you are dealing with this too, just know you're not alone. And the fights not over until we decide it is. Me? The sword will stay on the wall. I'll be on that plane on Friday and soon I'll taste salt water again. I'm the Captain of my sinking boat. I can choose not to drown. : )

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 6 August 2016

Salt Water

I haven't had a good JW rant lately so here we go. My ex boyfriend says I need to write. I do. Even if no one reads it.

Them: Please consider returning to Jehovah.

Me in my head: Are you fucking kidding me? Again? We're going to do this again?

So I'm like, okay. But I have some hard questions. I will require answers. Why are elders allowed to play God and ruin people's lives? If all the decisions made are made by Jehovah why do they get to sit in a room and tell me that my angry ex-husband got to decide what to do with me and laugh at me in my face? Where is the kindness, the compassion, the love they preach?

It's not there. We on the outside weren't the liars, they were. After my email, they decided there was no reason for us to meet up after all. Because they are cowards. And believing anything I say could take a chunk out of their belief system. God forbid. And I'm a woman. I've known both of them for over 20 years and they KNOW ME. I'm not a liar. I never have been.

But women do not get treated equally in their fucked up society. The men rule. And then instead of accepting the consequences of their actions and holding each other accountable, they cover up for each other and keep pretending they're all perfect. You know what elders? Some of you are good. Some of you are bad. Very, very bad. None of you are going to live forever in paradise. That's a faitrytale made up by some other man who wanted to control everyone else too. Oh, did I mention it's all about the money they make?

Then there's this guy I'm dating. Part of me wants to cry about this, but honestly, how can I? He was kind to me. I loved him a lot, for sure, but he was unavailable. I just never love anyone you know?

My boss thinks I need to just love me. So I'm going home. Maybe the salt water will heal everything. The ocean keeps trying to drown me (three times) but I love it regardless. :)

Sullivan out.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

First Cut is the Deepest

I've been fighting with my ex-husband. He's lazy and we haven't been able to get him off my life insurance policy for 6 years. Jesus, dude, all you have to do is fill out a paper.

Due to recent events, I need that taken care of. I have Max now. He got hit by a car a few weeks ago and it cost almost $1,000. What about when he gets old and someone needs to pay the vet bills and something has happened to me? Also my family will need that money for all the fines they will get for the elaborate funeral I have planned for myself. : )

This was my thought process. So I've been harassing him to just do it. Opening the door again is always a bad idea, even if it's necessary. He sent me a picture of his baby. She has his eyes. I've been crying since last night. Not that I want to be back with him. I'm sure he's much happier without me and married to my ex-friend and the cult.

Me and the cult are over. Him and I are over. But we were friends since we were 15 years old. I still miss him. And part of me wishes that baby was mine. I've come to terms with the fact that I probably will never have kids now.

I've dated pretty much every guy in Toronto at this point. I'm currently in the most impossible "relationship" you could imagine. I'm gonna give it a try. I'll try. But...the first cut is the deepest.

How do you get over the people you really loved? My boss thinks I have a problem with self love. Yes sir, I do have a problem. If no one has ever loved you more than they loved some stupid cult, how do you love yourself? They make you feel insignificant, disposable, like you're a sinner for choosing to believe in something else.

Not that I know what that something else is. I do know though, that it has to be a place where we embrace our differences. Where we love each other despite any differences of opinion, race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs. A place that makes us feel safe enough to care again.

Max says hi.

Sullivan out.

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

First cut is the deepest

I would have given you all of my heart. But there's someone who's torn it apart. And they've taken almost all that I've got. If you want I'll try to love again, baby I'll try to love again but I know the first cut is the deepest. I improvised that a bit. Cat Stevens wrote that I think but Sheryl Crow did a pretty good cover.

I was out with some friends the other night and they were like, you hardly ever write anymore. And they're right.

"When it comes to being lucky she's cursed"

It's true. No matter how hard I try in life, things keep going wrong. I don't want to write about those things. I'm going to take a break from this for now and come back if things ever turn around.

Sullivan out. For now : )

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

More than Friends

I haven't been feeling well since Friday. The worst thing about being single and sick is there's no one to hold your hair back while you throw up. There's no one to make you soup. There's no one to hold your hand when you're so tired and you start crying. There's no one to take your dog out when you can't leave the apartment.

I'm lucky enough to have someone who does that for me. He's been here for four days straight taking care of me and Max. He's smart though. As much as we love each other, he'd never date me. I don't blame him. I wouldn't date me either. I always fuck it up.

I love people, I really do. But I don't trust you. I'll push you away. I'll find some way to ruin the relationship. And it's not your fault. You are probably perfectly lovely.

He brought me this today to cheer me up:

I've had a picture of Uma in Kill Bill on my mirror in my bedroom for years. Then I bought the same sword she had and put it on the wall. Why do I still feel so helpless? I've been wearing my "courage" pin as if perhaps I'm in the Wizard of Oz and if I just put it on it will make me courageous.

I guess even when I was married, he never took care of me. I slept all day today and I'm feeling better. Maybe I couldn't Kill Bill but I can appreciate my "more than a friend" who got me through the past few days. I may never really be with anyone. I will probably end up alone.

My dad and stepmom had their 30th anniversary today. She told me once that every time she hears his truck pulling into the driveway, her heart beats faster. I hope I feel that way someday about someone.

I'm going to burn some sage and try to erase the sickness and negativity from my apartment.

Sullivan out.

Monday, 11 July 2016

Night Terrors

Sometimes I'm happy I'm getting sort of old. Not that I have it all figured out. I spent the weekend with my most precious girlfriend. She seems to have it all figured out. Handsome, kind, wonderful husband? Check. Lovely home? Check. Pursuing her passion in life? Check.

We were both raised in and then left the JWs. She did more of a swan dive while I was a belly flop. But we had very different experiences. I was older, I had to get divorced. I did the back and forth with them for a lot longer. We've always had each other though since I got out and for our entire lives before that except for a couple of brief hiccups.

I'm still trying to rid myself of the little hell I live in, despite the fact that I think my life is great. I'm happy every day. And grateful. My subconscious and my nightmares won't catch up though.

I'm off work and I was cleaning my flat and I realized I'm a hoarder. I have every letter, every card, every picture I've ever received. I've thrown out 7 bags of garbage today. Some of them, even though I don't talk to those people, even though I don't see them, I still can't get rid of them. Every year more and more go away but it's possible when I die, someone is going to have to throw out a box of letters from someone I used to know.

Maybe that's why I still dream about them. Maybe that's why apparently I have bad karma. Maybe my heart is just too big for this and I was in it too long. Lately, my heart is expanding and letting new people in. I hope they will take over those old vacant spots.

Someone come and save my life :) Sorry it's all City and Colour songs tonight. :) 

"There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me. From my haunted past comes the daunting task of living with memories." ~ City and Colour

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Living on a Prayer

I've had a lot of roomates over the years. Monique was pretty long term, on and off. I lived with my ex-husband for seven years. My brother and sister both came to live with me 3 or 4 times each. My ex-boyfriend lived here for awhile. My friends in in-between stages of life (break-ups, job losses, looking for a new place to live) always know they could crash at mine for awhile.

I don't love the mess and all the extra stuff in my apartment, but I do enjoy the company. :)

Spencer was different. I didn't realize that when you bail someone out of jail, you are immediately responsible for them and they have to live with you.

Me at the courthouse: Can I talk to him?

Them: No.

Me: Okay, can you please go ask him if there is anyone else he can call?

Them when they got back: He said no.

Me: Give me the papers to sign.

Now, I knew he hadn't done anything wrong and it was all just a misunderstanding. Spencer is a great guy. He's one of my best friends now after almost two years together. He's moving out this weekend. It's time for me to just be Margaux again. Spencer said he's sure he'll come over to visit and I'll have one of the homeless people from the park across the street living on my couch. I'm gonna miss him. :)

Spencer - thank you for everything. I thought I was going to save you but you've saved me so many times over the past couple of years. All those trips to the hospital when you waited with me and took me home. All the times you would go out and buy me smokes because my anxiety was bad and I couldn't leave the apartment. All our Monday nights watching Game of Thrones. All the times you held my hand while I cried. All the days you put up with me playing one song over and over on repeat while I tried to write something. All the nice meals you cooked. That one time I got really drunk with Lindsay and you had to come pick me up. I can always count on you.

Spencer is the one who everyone in my family and at my work calls when things go wrong and they need to check up on me. He knows everyone in my life and keeps them updated when I can't. He has been such an awesome "dad" to Max. When the dog got dumped on me, I wasn't ready for that at all. Of course I kept him, because that's what I do. I have Spencer to thank though that he's so well adjusted, well trained and well behaved. And for helping me lug home all those ridiculously heavy bags of dog food.

We all need help once in awhile. We're living on a prayer sometimes. I believe in karma and if I do my part to help others, someone will always be there when it's the other way around. Spence and I are family now. I'm so happy he's just moving a few blocks away. I love you darling. Stay gold pony boy. xo

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Pull & Push

My last blog about what happened in Orlando was very serious and despite the hate that has raised up, despite the friends and allies who have come forward with their support, there's really nothing that makes it make any sense. Bottom line, the world has to change. I can't do that though.

What I can do is be a little less serious for once and tell you a story. :)

Me to my girlfriend: If I write a blog about how my dog and I are essentially the same person, will people think I'm crazy?

Her: Definitely yes. Send it to me first.

Not gonna happen Lindsay. Max and I are both outcasts. Orphans. A little bit clumsy, a little bit too trusting, a little bit too attention deprived. A little bit too dramatic. (Dramatic is the right word, right Lindsay?) A little bit too cute. :)

He's so sweet and such a lover. He never barks (except at me), is never aggressive and loves everyone - cats, dogs, people.

Last night he got hit by a car. Totally my fault and I haven't been able to stop crying over it yet. I didn't have him on a leash. I always brag to people that my dog doesn't need to be on a leash, because he's so good. And he is. But he's a dog. Some kids were driving way too fast and boom! they hit him. I was running into the street after him, I guess it's a good thing I'm not fast enough because then I'd be in the hospital too.

$800 later, he is okay. Bruised and bloodied but okay. He's bandaged up and wearing the cone of shame but it could have been much, much worse. It's probably a good thing I never had those kids I wanted because if I can't even keep a dog safe, I'm sure I would be an unfit parent.

He does this thing where he comes up and growls in my face. Then he barks at me. Then he gives me a kiss. I do the same thing with people. I love someone, so I push them away. I'm always scared of getting hurt again. I'm working on that.

The pull and push is a balance I'm still working out. I'm kinda sorta maybe seeing someone now and I have to remind myself all the time to just take it one day at a time. The push doesn't work out well for either person. The pull needs to be gradual. Organic.

Max is right to be a little bit untrusting of the world. It's not always a safe place. But in all his bad luck and mine, we are both so lucky to have people who love us, take care of us and keep us safe.

Clap your hands if you believe in fairies! Max could use some positive energy from y'all right now. :)

Sullivan out.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016


I don't watch the news. It's too depressing. Sure, I keep up enough with that's happening in the world, but I don't need the constant reminder that things are not how they should be.

The past couple of days though, I can't stop. And I can't stop crying. What happened in Orlando is beyond sad. Anderson Cooper gave an emotional tribute to the victims. They were so young.

When I came out of the Jehovah's Witnesses, got shunned and ostracized, where my sins where broadcasted to everyone I ever knew, with no hope of redemption until I fell back into line, it was the LGBT community that embraced me.

They understood what it was like to be punished for just being who you really are. Some of them had understanding friends and family when they came out. Others were shunned like I was.

The first friend I ever had here on the outside was a lesbian. She picked me up and loved me even in my imperfect, damaged state. Some of the people I love the most now and consider to be my "family" are gay. I don't care about their sexual orientation. They don't care about mine.

True love transcends all of those things that divide people: race, religion, sexual orientation, social status. Love is love. And I feel sorry for the people who don't see it that way. Who choose to hate, who choose to love conditionally, who choose to hurt good people for the sake of their own prejudices.

One of the victims of the shooting was a mom, who chose to go out that night to support her gay son. He survived, she didn't. It's tragic. But at least he will always know that he was loved, accepted and supported by the woman who loved him so much.

I'm not sure if humanity is going to survive. But if we are, we need to change. Right now.

Once I got myself reinstated with the JWs my mother kept asking me to come back. I said to her, What about Liz? I had never had a real friend before. How could I go back to the false friends and leave her behind just because she's gay.

I am proud to be an ally. I go to all the Pride events. The charity events. I dance in gay nightclubs. I love them all as much as I love anyone else. I don't see color or politics or religious denomination or sexual orientation. I just see good and bad.

What happened in Florida was very, very bad. And I don't pray but I will today. My thoughts, love and prayers go out to all the victims, their families and their loved ones.

Life is short. Be kind.

Sullivan out.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Bird by Bird

I know what you're going to say and you're right. I haven't written anything lately. I think I have writer's block. So instead I've spent countless hours coloring this picture for you and reading this book on writing. But my ADD must have set in and I doubt I'll finish either of them anytime soon, so it is what it is and "you're welcome"!

Y'all should actually just be happy that the entire bird isn't black. That was an option. I don't really feel like that anymore. For people who struggle with depression and anxiety the darkness comes and goes. For me, it's still here sometimes, it might never go away. But with more and more of us being open, building a community where we feel comfortable talking about our struggle and then also celebrating our successes, together we are making progress.

Don't doubt that and don't feel like you're alone. What I've learned is that sometimes we're in the light. We use those times to shine it on others who might need a little help. When we're in the darkness and they are in the light, they'll return the favour.

Yes, that coffee mug does say " Write like a Motherfucker" in the shape of a heart. It was a gift from someone I dearly love. Another friend bought me the coloring book. My friends get me.

And I would totally recommend the book: Bird by bird written by Anne Lamott if you're looking for some writing tips.

Also, if anyone wants to buy me a pencil sharpener that would be awesome. I don't even know where to get one. It's 2016. Do people still have pencil sharpeners? :)

Have yourself an awesome day. And be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle.

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Thinking Out Loud

Cab driver: Please don't cry in my car.

And I'm thinking there's probably a lot more terrible people you could pick up in the middle of the night. Drunk people who throw up in your car. I'm not and I'm paying you. I just want to go home and I'm sorry I'm crying.

Roomate: What are you doing home?

Me: I live here. I'm allowed to come home if I want to.

This is why I don't date. It's horrible. And not even worth it. What has caring about people ever gotten me except for a hundred broken hearts? People suck. Get a dog. They're always happy when you come home.

I keep thinking my life is just going to turn out like some romantic movie. But deep down I know it doesn't work like that. Only for a few, only for the lucky. Which I am definitely not. I've always been terribly unlucky. Which is weird because I'm the kinda girl that people want to be friends with.

I really liked this guy. I actually put a lot of effort into this date. Spent a lot of money getting prettied up. Guess he just wasn't the one. Better to find out a month in than a year later.

He wasn't a random though, he was an old friend. Which is why I didn't want to go down this road. I second guessed it more times than I can count. But are you really living life if you don't take those chances?

Wayne Gretzy says you miss 100% of the shots you don't make. He's right on that one. :)

Single forever, Sullivan out.

Friday, 20 May 2016


My therapist is not conventional. That's why I love him. I've had a couple of days off work. Apparently I didn't notice I had accumulated 6 and a half weeks of vacation and I'm screwed.

I would like to go home to see my family, they've all been having a bit of a rough time lately. But Linda (the artist formerly known as my mother) is going to be there. So it's a no-go on that one.

I've been struggling a bit with a decision. I actually kinda like this guy. Not a random, an old friend. It's on the table right now. Y'all know I don't date.

So I'm talking to Ross today and he's like you have to decide. Do you try it out and potentially get hurt? Or do you walk away and regret that later? And then he's like walk across the room. Make a decision before you hit the wall.

I've spent the past 6 years building walls and covering them with barbed wire to keep people out. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the people in my life. I have the best friends I've ever had. But I don't let myself love them too much. Because then I could get hurt. Again.

I didn't need to walk all the way across the room to make a decision. :)

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. But the past couple of weeks I felt happy again. I take everything too seriously but I've been told by a very good friend that "perfection is the enemy of the good".

Maybe we can survive the ocean. Maybe I need to let some walls down. I've made a lot of mistakes but I don't think this will be one of them.

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 14 May 2016

I love you like XO

Here's your Saturday morning song.

In the darkest night I'll search through the crowd. Your face is all that I see, I'll give you everything. I love you like XO.   - John Mayer

John Mayer is an asshole but he's right. We don't have forever. This blog might not be the greatest because I've been up all night. #CAMH #OneBraveNight

I've spent the last seven years chasing for, crying over lost love from people I wanted to keep. Maybe though, love shouldn't be this hard. My best friend says that it should be organic. Let it grow. That's what happened with the two of us. We don't always get along but we always stay together.

Daylight is wasting. It's time to get real. There has been a few health issues in my family lately and honestly, I haven't been on my game because I've been so stressed about that. I realized something. We need to focus on the people who love us back, not the ones who don't. The ones who are there for us no matter what. Unconditional love is rare in our day. But since I left the Jdubs, I've been finding it everywhere.

Last night was about supporting people who suffer from mental health issues. I've been there and maybe I will be again. At the moment though, I have a dog I didn't want, a bunch of friends I never would have picked in my past life and a family who I didn't pay much attention to when I was in the cult.

And I couldn't be happier that they are the ones who saved me.

I love you like XO. :)

Sullivan out.

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Being Brave

Re-post! I thought this was relevant considering the fact that I am going to attempt to stay up all night on Friday for CAMH's One Brave Night event. Y'all know I have to work all week and then try to stay awake all night. We're raising money to support the organization that supports those living with mental health issues. A lot of brave people have dealt with depression and we can get better if we do the hard work to get there. But we need a little help along the way. :)

There's still time to donate - this is the link! Click click! Ps. If you do donate please buy me a sleep pass. For $20 I can sleep for an hour. :)

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. 
- E. M. Forster

Courage is a quality that is difficult to develop, because it forces you to look in the mirror and realize who you are and then have the balls to go out there and be better than that.

I know many courageous people. And being brave doesn't mean we always succeed. (Game of Thrones taught us all that fact.) Sometimes it just means we take on a task, not knowing if we'll be good at it or not. Not knowing the outcome. Maybe we even think we will fail. But we show up and try.

This happens in careers, in families, in relationships, in finding peace of mind, in overcoming addictions, in ending a relationship that's not working and being alone again, in confronting an important ex, in applying for a job you know you won't get, in pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and meeting someone new, in telling your family the truth about who you are, in telling someone you love them when you aren't sure they will say it back. In being true to yourself.

But we find courage and bravery in that part of ourselves that we didn't know we had and do it anyway.

If we were never brave, no one would make friends, become lovers, get married, have children, follow their dreams, because we could fail. Sometimes it's our mistakes that shape our future and, in the end, make us successful.

And hey, at the end of the day, if our attempt at being courageous doesn't work, we have a friend who will give us a hug, a dog who will sleep at our feet, and maybe even a glass of wine to sip as we look out the window of our fabulous but very expensive downtown apartment and think about how to wake up tomorrow and try to be brave all over again.

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Mother's Day 2016

I have a couple of girlfriends who have lost their mothers. This morning they were like, stay off FaceBook today. All those posts of everyone's pictures of them happy with mom. Talking about how much love is in that relationship.

I love my mum. Sure, she raised me in a crazy cult. But she tried her best. Linda didn't have the greatest life. I'm sure it wasn't easy being a single mom. She used to sew us homemade dresses because we didn't have a lot of money. But we looked fancy. :)

I think I turned out mostly Sullivan. But there are some things I have that are Linda. She is a great vintage shopper. We eat organic and mostly vegetarian. She has a great laugh. I have the same hands as her. We are in love with flowers. I am honestly starting to forget her. It's been seven years of my back and forth with the JWs and apparently time does cure everything.

She visits a lot when I'm asleep. I'm not sure whether to say they are dreams or nightmares. But she always says the same thing. That she hates me for the choices I've made in life.

My choices in life have not fulfilled the expectations of either of my parents. I'd like to think though that if I had been lucky enough to have kids, I would have loved them no matter what. And maybe my job now is just to be the kind of friend so many other people have been to me: my stepmom, my aunts, my grandma. I have a lot of totally awesome moms.

Happy Mother's Day Linda. I'm not comparing myself to what my girlfriends have gone through but losing your mom while you're both still alive over some stupid religion? It hurts. Despite that, I love you. :)

Friday, 29 April 2016

You gotta have FAITH

Before this river becomes an ocean, before you throw my heart back on the floor...I've gotta have Faith. ~ George Michael

This was my friends favorite song. You can't even imagine how many hours I spent trying to get the slideshow I put together for the celebration of his life to perfectly match timing with the two songs I chose. This was the second one.

Too many hours. And not enough hours. With his family not here, someone had to step up and take care of that. He was right though.

No matter what happens in life, faith keeps us going. Yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed. After his death, my dog got really sick. These are external influences. It's not feel sorry for Margaux time, it's just that I've had a lot to process lately. Work was really busy, I was worried about Max.

I was walking home from work, I'd been trying to suppress a panic attack all day. Usually, I come home for lunch. Yesterday I was too busy. By the time 6 pm came around, I was in full panic mode. I always walk past Saks because I love the dresses in the windows. I started throwing up. That's what happens when the panic attacks hit emergency.

I threw up four times. On the street in front of their lovely window displays. A lot of people walked past me. They looked at me. They probably could have thought I was a drug addict or something. Except I was dressed corporate and had a Kate Spade purse and had been at work all day.

I didn't know if I was going to make it home. The fourth time though, a woman came up to me. She asked if I was okay or I needed help.

At the end of the day, those 30 or 40 others who just walked past me don't matter. It's that one in a few people who make all the difference. The ones who make sure your river doesn't become an ocean that you're drowning in.

I told her I was close to home and I'd be okay.

It taught me something. We need to recognize and appreciate those really good people out there. I've been on both sides, as a sufferer and supporter. We need more of you on our side. Be kind to one another. Don't let the river become an ocean.

I have the best people behind me now: family (non-jw), friends, work, random strangers. Who have been extraordinarily kind.

People like that give me faith. :)

Sullivan out.

Thursday, 21 April 2016

The artist formerly known as PRINCE

Prince died. That sucks. He was a musical genius. He also became one of Jehovah's Witnesses so technically he's my brother. :)

This is my favorite Prince song.

I wanted to play it at my wedding but the elders said it wasn't appropriate. So many rules! I'm sure they loved having a celebrity endorsement though. They only care about the money.

Those rolling bookcarts are everywhere these days. Why not? It's the easiest, laziest way to count service time. Just stand around in the sun and wait for people to approach you while you chit chat with your partner.

Most of the time I ignore them. But if they are talking to someone, trying to convert them, I always walk up and politely warn that person that they are a dangerous cult.

The other day the guy decided to argue with me about that. He said they weren't.

Me: What about all the people you let die because you won't allow blood transfusions?

Him: No response.

Me: What about all the families you tear apart with shunning?

Him: No response.

Me: What about all those people who get shunned and try to kill themselves because they get so sad?


I'm on a lot of ex-jw webpages and yah, it happens ALL the time.

Me: I know for a fact it happens all the time. I'm a suicide survivor. Attempted thanks to you.

Him: Can you please leave?

Me: No. You're the one who shouldn't be allowed on the sidewalk telling lies. I'm going to stay and tell my side of the story whenever anyone comes up. The truth.

At this point my friend Jay is hiding. He doesn't want to be involved.

If there's one thing those super "brave" JWs are afraid of, it's an apostate. They packed up and left. One small victory. :)

I think I'm getting famous because today when I walked past one of their bookcarts some Jdubs I don't even know said "Hi Margaux". Note: I'm a disassociated apostate. You're not allowed to say hi to me idiot. 

Rest in peace Prince. You made a really bad choice to join this cult. I'm happy you're out.

Sullivan out.

Friday, 15 April 2016

I Dreamed a Dream

It's Friday, blog night. 

I'm kind of on a Les Mis kick at the moment. So. I dreamed a dream. I was always a dreamer. And since my dreams have all been shattered, I've become an advocate. 

For the ex-Jws of course. For people suffering from mental health issues, yes.

I am so proud to be participating in CAMH One Brave Night for Mental Health, the all-night challenge to defeat mental illness.

Y'all know I can't stay awake after 11 pm so this should be interesting.

I’ll be staying awake all night on May 13 to inspire hope for the one in five people who experience mental illness in their lifetime. This is my way of inspiring hope for people with mental illness. As you know, I've been on both sides of this challenge, as a sufferer and supporter. Two weeks ago I lost one of my friends to this battle.

I want to help, but to do that, I need your help.

Please help me reach my fundraising goal by visiting my personal page and donating any amount, however small. I appreciate whatever you can give – it all adds up and helps those living with mental illness! Making a tax-deductible donation online is quick and easy.

I greatly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress. We all post a selfie at sunrise so if I make it, it will be thanks to you.

It's weird but I still miss my mother. She was never very good at being a mother but she was what I got dealt in life. I watched the movie with her. "There are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living."

My life is definitely not hell. But I've been there and back. This weekend, I help organize a memorial for my friend who didn't see a way out of the darkness. 

If you can find it in your heart to donate to this very good cause, I would really appreciate it. 

Margaux out. (yes, that's my name)

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Sunday mornings are not always easy

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile." - The Princess Bride

I'm not even really sure what I want to say today. But it's Sunday morning so here we go. Yesterday was Donia's birthday. She's been gone five months and I'm still crying this morning. She was one of the best friends I have ever had, ever will have. My ex-boyfriend is practically living at my apartment while we try to make sense of his good friends death last week. Death sucks. Unfortunately as we age, this is part of life. 

Wouldn't it be great if we could go back to being young, no real responsibilities. When work didn't dominate our lives, when we thought we were immortal. Turn back time to the good old days. 

Donia is definitely somewhere special now. She's one of the best people I've ever known. I hope you had a lovely birthday, my darling. True friendship is hard to come by. It's kind of funny, but the first JW I bumped into since disassociating myself the other week from the religion was Celine. 

Celine, Heather, Monique and I were like those girls from Sex and the City. Only we were JWs so we didn't have sex. And we weren't allowed to watch SATC. But we were friends since we were little kids. Inseparable. All bridesmaids in each other's weddings. Except Celine, she never got married. I don't think she really knows how to love - herself or anyone else. 

I saw her on the street a couple of days ago. She did that thing that they all do, look you straight in the face so you know they saw you, then avert their eyes and walk quicker past you. Like they might catch your non-believer disease. There's only one picture I keep up in my apartment from my JW past. It's of the four of us. Two of us got out. And now we get shunned on the street by the people who were supposed to love us. 

It was real. It was good. But it wasn't real good. 

This is what real friendship looks like:

Today will not be the last day I cry for Donia. Or George. I know one thing though. I will love the fuck out of everyone I have left. Be kind to one another. The days are long but the years are short. 

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 3 April 2016


Word to the wise: even if Les Mis is one of your favorite books, don't watch the movie on a Sunday if you've had a bad week. Every song just makes you cry.

I would like to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive to me and my friend Jay after hearing about the passing of our friend a few days ago. My ex used to say if I wanted to make this blog better I could just tell the truth. No sugar coating or waxing poetic.

So this isn't a feel good blog. Sometimes, life just sucks. In some ways, I'm almost envious of my friend. He was in pain, he wanted this life to be over and now it is for him. I've actually heard of three suicides this week, there must be some kind of energy shift in the universe.

I was talking to another friend today who, like me, like my friend, has attempted to kill himself. When I told him about my friend, he was like "good for him". He and I both woke up in hospital rooms in paper diapers hooked up to an IV and our first thought was "Fuck. I'm failing at life and I can't even get this death thing done right."

He and I are both happy with our lives now. But the work it takes to get there? It's hard. It's exhausting. It takes years. And you still live with the sadness. As you know, I decided to disfellowship myself from the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've tried over and over through the past three years. Someone always cried or begged me not to and I would just take it back. Every time.

This time, I got the same messages. Please reconsider. Please be sure that this is really what you want. I had to be more direct. Why do they even want me to stay? I'm a huge apostate. I walk up to people on the street talking to them and warn them it's a dangerous cult and they should keep walking. I've called our their elders as selfish, perverted cowards and bullies. I've told them my husband, also an elder, was abusive. We were together over ten years. He remarried one of my supposed friends in about 5 minutes after he divorced me.

I lost the only man I will ever really love because it took me too long to do this. Yes, it's been seven years and I'm still in love with Adam. Can you say single forever?

This time the elders respected my wishes and made the announcement on Tuesday. I got the email from Walter on Wednesday. He sounded sad and I felt bad for him. He is definitely one of the good ones. I'm sorry to let him down. I'm not sorry I made that decision though.

I might always live with the nightmares. Wake up every morning with panic attacks. At least I'm free. It's actually harder than I thought, killing the JW aspect of my life. It was such a huge part of me for so long. I've found some little bit of peace with this step. I don't know if I'm really helping anyone with this blog. And obviously I can't save my friends, even if I know what they are going through. All we can really do is try our best. I don't know what happens when we die, but I'm hoping George is in a better place. Rest in peace, my friend. I'll get there someday.

Sullivan out.

Friday, 1 April 2016

Where the Light Is

"Gravity has taken better men than me. Just keep me where the light is." - John Mayer

One of my friends has been going through a hard time. I tried my best to help. A lot of us did. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. He decided to take his own life.

I got the phone call at work. My first reaction was NO. It can't be true. My second reaction was just to start crying. Which I did all night, this morning and that's not over yet.

The whole reason I had decided to be so open on this blog was to raise awareness. Most of my life has been completely embarrassing. And putting it out there definitely does not benefit me in any way. But if I could help anyone - ex-JW, someone living with mental health issues - that's what I wanted to do.

Bell does a "Let's Talk" day every year to raise awareness for mental health issues. This is not a one day a year issue. It's great that they do that. And it's great that a lot of you out there support the charities that support these people. My people.

If you really want to help though, it takes more than writing a check. Or showing up at a fundraiser. It takes all of us to educate ourselves, to be alert to the warning signs, to make those one on one connections with the ones who suffer. Listen, be there for them, help them get the help they need.

This old school mentality has got to go and make room for awareness and acceptance. Some of the comments I've received in the past day just reinforced that for me. "He was so selfish." "Was he on drugs?"

I realize that drug and alcohol abuse can be factors in the equation sometimes, but not always. Sometimes people just get dealt a bad hand in life and they get very sad.

As far as the selfish comments go, yes, maybe it is selfish, but try looking at it from the other perspective. I've been through it. I've tried to kill myself. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I didn't send out angry messages or write a letter blaming anyone. Sometimes, we are pushed beyond our capacity for pain. When that happens, we can end up in a place where we never wanted to go. A dark place. Where there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hurt is so bad, all we want is for it to stop. Where as much as we genuinely love the people in our life, we don't care anymore that they will cry tomorrow. It just needs to be over. For us.

I've been so lucky. The second time I became suicidal, I didn't just take four bottles of pills and go to bed. I asked for help and I had a network that rallied around me. A workplace that supported me. Aunts and Uncles to go home to, who took care of me until I was no longer a threat to myself. A $200/hour therapist who first cut his fees in half and then just treated me for free.

Not everyone is that lucky. Although my friend had loving friends, he obviously didn't have the support he needed. Over the past couple of weeks, he kept telling me how much he valued our friendship. He wasn't angry, he was just sad. He kept telling me how much he looked up to me, how strong he thought I was for getting through my challenges in life. How proud he was of me.

I've been where he was and I still misread the signs. I thought he was saying those things because I was inspiring him to get better. Now, I think it was because he didn't feel like he would ever get there.

All I'm asking of all of you out there is please, please be alert. 1 in 4 Canadians have suffered or are suffering from depression. Watch for the signs. Be patient and kind. Pick up the phone when they call even if you're rolling your eyes and thinking you don't want to listen to this story again. You just might save a life.

He called me on Wednesday. I was volunteering at a charity event all day. I didn't pick up, I thought, I'll just call him back later. Later was too late.

We all struggle with the back and forth between the light and the darkness. When you're in the light, shine it on others. That way, when you're in the dark, there will be someone around to show you the way back out.

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 27 March 2016

Second Sight

What is reality?

You don't know either do you? What if, we could enhance what we see and figure that out? That's the premise for his book.  I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. Sometimes I make mistakes though. That's probably why I'm still single :)

I met an author yesterday and he is really interesting. Me? I just write about my silly sex and the city/I hate Jehovah's Witnesses life. I don't really understand how people are able to come up with these elaborate stories in their head. I'm a writer, I'm in my head all the time. I wish me and my head could take a break. Not a break-up, just a break.

I used to be able to do that. Make up stories. My fifth grade teacher pulled me aside one day and said my story was so good that I should try to publish it. But then I forget how to do anything for myself. It was all about everyone else.

While I figure out the best way to write this story, which will probably take me all day and maybe tomorrow too, here's a sneak peek. And if you like this, there's another book coming.

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 26 March 2016

Used to Love You

Saturday morning song anyone? Click here. "I don't know why I cry but I think it's cause I remember for the first time since I hated you that I used to love you." - Gwen Stefani

Poor girl. That guy cheated on her so many times. I honestly can't understand why we aren't capable of just flicking a switch and turning our hearts off when people hurt us. That would be convenient.

My dad is very opposed to anger and resentment. But I think it's a phase we all have to go through. Fortunately, if you do all the hard work, you get past that. I wouldn't use "hate" as the word that has been part of my journey. HURT is better. Resentment? Yes, I've been there.

This week was the Memorial. The JWs don't celebrate anything, except that night. You know the one where Jesus has his last dinner with his apostles before he dies? Forget Christmas, Easter, anything enjoyable. Let's celebrate a murder. That's fun for kids.

Did I think about going to the memorial and drinking the wine and eating the bread and watching them all being horrified that a known apostate was in their midst claiming to be one of the anointed - that special 144,000 who are apparently the only ones going to heaven? Yes. At the end of the day though, as much as I loved/hated those people, it was more fun hanging out at home with my dog.

I get that some people still believe in Jesus and I respect that. Lots of people like to believe in Santa Claus. Whatever makes you happy.

I met up with a girl I found here on this blog last night. She was lovely. Damaged like me from our upbringing as JWs. The great thing though is they can't break us. They can try. They can rip our families away. They can make us depressed. They can make us alone. But only for a little while. :)

Then we find our tribe. We find each other. We find people who will love all our crazy and messed-up-ness. And with each of us who make a stand against them, we grow stronger. I've said it a million times. It's not the people. It's the money-hungry, brainwashing organization I'm against.

My therapist asks me sometimes if I regret being so open and honest on here and telling the truth. Yes, it scares potential boyfriends away. When I got disfellowshipped, I was completely alone. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. So when I decided to write this blog, I knew I was alienating the people I loved so much because speaking out against the organization is the worst sin you could ever commit.

I could have done it anonymously. I decided not to. I wanted my name out there so that anyone who was going through what I went through alone would have someone to reach out to. Who would understand where they were coming from. That's why AA is effective. They've all been through the exact same experience. They understand each other. And now, thanks to this blog, I've connected with so many people. Some of them are my friends now. I don't feel alone anymore. Those people I used to love? I hope they wake up someday and realize that they're pushing lies on innocent people. If they don't, then I hope they are happy living that way. I wasn't.

I'm happy now though. :)

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Love Yourself

"You think I'm crying on my own but I ain't. And I didn't want to write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't." - Justin Bieber

What you don't like that song? I think he's coming along. :)

Happy Spring everyone! Y'all know I'm a new beginnings junkie. While, like everyone else I hate losing that extra hour of sleep, it's so exciting to start something new, yet again. :)

This past week has been monumental for me. Making the decision to disassociate myself from the JWs was difficult. To me though, this is a cause for celebration. I have never felt so free. So in control of my life. So proud of myself and the strong person I've become. 

That's why I have to address a rumour. 

This is my fault. I've been so open on here about the journey I've been through. That I've dealt with anxiety and depression. That I attempted suicide. I've done those things because I think we need to break down stigmas. We need to educate people on mental health issues. We need to let people know that it's okay to talk about it, to get the help you need. And they need to know it's something you can overcome. 

My therapist told me he thought I should get a samurai sword. That it would make me feel more empowered. I keep meaning to take some classes to learn how to use it but I've been lazy. The other weekend my friends were over and I wanted to show them how sharp it is. It's the same one Uma has in Kill Bill, just in red. :)

I'm a clutz. As I was taking it off the wall, I dropped it. I have a very deep cut on my wrist. I probably should have got stitches. But I was with my ex-boyfriend who thinks everything can be cured by just putting ice on it. The good part? I proved my point on how it IS a real sword and very sharp. The bad part? Everyone thinks I tried to kill myself again. I get people grabbing my wrist, asking me to get help. Talking about me behind my back. The reason I don't cover it up is because it heals better this way and I have NOTHING to hide. It was just an accident people!

Besides, as someone who has tried to kill themselves once, I know you don't cut it that way. You have to cut it the other way. And both wrists, not just one. So y'all can calm down. If you really don't believe me, I'll give you my friends phone numbers and you can ask them. 

I would never leave my dog. Or let you guys down who've stuck with me over the years. And I'm not depressed. I'm just a clumsy person with a sword. 

Let's end this on a fun note. I have a huge crush on my new neighbour. I'm terrible with names though, so when I ran into him in the hall yesterday I didn't know what to say because I can't remember his name. So I just said "Get that guy Max! Attack!" Of course Max would never hurt a flea but he ran over to him. The really handsome guy decided to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator with us. He's probably also sick of listening to Justin Bieber through my walls. Yes, I will be single forever. :)

I finally love myself though, so if that's the only romance I get now, I'm fine with that. :)

Sullivan out. (But not because I'm home trying to off myself!)

Saturday, 12 March 2016

After the Rain

Yes, I am starting to recycle blog titles. Thanks for asking. 

Titles are the hardest part. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my book title.  I will probably spend more time figuring that out than I do writing this goddamn book.

Y'all know I'm not talking about anything except my leaving the Jdubs for awhile. This week is always going to be one of the most important weeks of my life. I feel tired and alone. Not because I'm actually alone. I'm honestly way too busy. But alone because no one really understands. They are extremely, lovingly supportive and they try. Even with my ex-jw friends though, we've all had different experiences. And for sure my "worldly" friends don't get it at all.

I had dinner with my lovely ex-boyfriend last night. You know I love my exs. I have four requirements in a boyfriend: love my dog, be a good cook, force me to eat and live within walking distance of my apartment. Apart from that I don't care if you makes lots of money or you don't. Just be kind and fill the first four slots.

He was always too good for me. He's a doctor. Everyone in his family are doctors. They all love each other and take cute pictures together. He asked the same question last night that I've been asked over and over again. Why don't I just stop speaking out against the JWs and then maybe I can work things out with my absent family. Two people. Who I love. But then there's so many others. People who I've met and haven't met in person who talk to me. Who tell me that me speaking out helps them. They say I say the words they can't.

You know I wax poetic on here. I tell everyone things will get better. That we can be happy outside of the organization. And we do, and we can. And for us on the outside, this is absolutely what we need to do. But I'll be honest. I think it's always going to hurt. I read all of you too. Your posts. Your suffering. Just know you're not alone. I have a wonderful life that I'm actually proud of. People I love dearly. But that past life? The people we lost? It's always going to hurt us. And some days are better than others.

I will never understand why this happened to us. Why we were raised on hate, guilt and feeling like we were never good enough. The world is as tired and scared as I am. We can make a difference though. I used to think I knew what I was fighting for. Now I know for sure. It's for all of us.

Sullivan out.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016


"When I grow old, I'll drink and smoke like I did when youth stayed, youth stayed until the second round." - Jack Garratt

I made a decision. I've been called out on this blog for being an advocate for ex-jehovah's witnesses while I am technically still one. While I don't believe in cyber-bullying, they were right. I went back for my mother and my sister. Who have consistently proved they want nothing to do with me unless I shut up and get in line. I love them long can you wait for people to decide they love you? It's been 7 years.

So here is my letter to the Watchtower. I wrote it to my elder. My cards are still in the possession of my old congregation. If you were ever a Jehovah's Witness you will know they have cards. With all your personal information. How many hours you spent in field service. How many magazines you handed out. Deeply personal information on how you fucked up. Detailed notes. On one hand, I hate doing this. On the other, I have to.

Dear Walter and Karen,

I hope you are doing well. I miss you both. Words can't express the love I feel for you. You've been role models and an extra set of parents since I was 18. Remember how in the summers after we went in service Walter just wanted to get a milkshake from McDonalds for lunch instead of a real meal before the meeting?

We had very good times together. Memories I will cherish until I die. Walter, we've been back and forth on this for ages. I've asked you why you won't just disfellowship me. I'm the biggest apostate Canada has ever seen. I've reached millions of people with this story. I wanted you to make the decision for me.

So that when Linda and Erin eventually die, I wouldn't have to walk into a room and be shunned. The thing is, despite you not getting rid of me again, that's what's going to happen anyways. I've asked you why I'm not disfellowshipped. There was no answer. But I know what it is. You know I had an abusive husband. You know how my baby elders who handled my first disfellowshipping cause messed it all up by being arrogant and ignorant and mean.

And you love me as much as I love you and Karen. You didn't want to put me through that again. I'm finally ready to take that step on my own. I would like to disassociate myself from the Jehovah's Witnesses. The choice I made to sign up at 12 years old was not worth the suffering I've gone through since then.

I'm finally happy with my life and the people in it. I will always wish you were included in them.

Please make the announcement at the next meeting. I'm weathered from the fight but I'll be fine.

With love always,

Saturday, 5 March 2016

Count on Me

"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea, I'll sail the world to find you. If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see, I'll be the light to guide you. We find out what we're made of when we are called to help our friends in need. You can count on me like 1,2,3 I'll be there. And I know when I need it I can count on you like 4,3,2 and you'll be there because that's what friends are supposed to do."- Bruno Mars

This is your perfect Sunday morning song. I know I say that a lot. :)

I have had the lucky opportunity to meet some amazing people at my job. For the sake of anonymity I won't name names. Those two know who they are. When I started this new job I felt really stupid. My performance manager and I used to call it my made up bullshit job. I was the one who started that.

It turned out to not be true. I'm finally feeling like I'm an asset to the team instead of a liability. There is nothing I can do to repay the kindness I've been afforded. They've watched me go from a suicidal girl to someone they can actually be proud of.

When things went down with my sisters wedding last February, I literally felt my heart shattering inside me. And that's not being dramatic. It's true. Fortunately I work for a company that practices what they preach. They realize that mental health issues are as important as physical illness. And they bet on me being the kind of person who could go from that to being someone who they could count on. And they can. I will do anything to prove that I'm worth their trust, their support, their faith in me.

My family will always hold power over me and how I feel about myself. These guys are my family too now. Sometimes family is just some random people you meet along the way. When my boss told me the other day he was proud of me I almost cried. I don't get a lot of positive reinforcement.

I have enough people though that believe in me and I can count on them. And they can count on me :)

Sullivan out.

Friday, 4 March 2016

Forever 27

I missed my birthday blog. I haven't been feeling well. I had a great birthday weekend though. Lots of dog park time. Which is perfect.

My friends and family are all trained. I turn 27 every year on February 27th. So all my cards say Happy 27th! This year though, I feel too damn young to feel this old.

I've laboured over this blog. I've written it, deleted it and re-written it so many times in my head. Us writers are a strange breed who walk around talking to ourselves and writing in notebooks. It's just a birthday, I know. And age is just a number. But I'm always honest with y'all so...this was my last birthday in my 30s. But 40 is the new 30 right? I'm still pretty. :)

And I finally feel like I know who I am, what I want out of life and what I don't want. I couldn't get all my friends together last Saturday night so I celebrated for a week. Dalyse took me to a Blue Rodeo concert. Lindsay took me shopping. Robin took me to the dog park. Jay and Spencer sang Happy Birthday while I blew out the candles on my cake.

I have the most amazing friends. I'm happy with my job. I still feel like I'm playing catch-up with life, after all those years I spent slaving for the JWs. But the Universe has been kind to me.

I've been married to a great, handsome guy. I've been madly in love after that. I've lost so many people that I love so much, but I've found something that I think will ground me for the second half of my life. I love myself. I've been volunteering more lately and I feel like perhaps I'm actually making a difference again. Although the corporate life can be taxing, I'm in a position where I've made so many relationships, I can leverage their support to help these causes that I care about.

I feel like I've lived 3 different lives so far. This one is the scariest. But it's also my favorite. I've learned a lot living on the outside of my past life. I've learned how to trust again, how to love again. How to start over from absolutely nothing - no home, no money, no friends - and accept the help that I used to be too proud to take.

As a Jehovah's Witness being part of "the world" was the worst thing. I thought I might save the world when I was one of them.  In the end though, the world saved me. And now I'm strong enough to start trying to do that again. I'm a bit weathered from the fight but that's okay.

I know now that we shouldn't judge others. That none of us are better than anyone else. That we need to erase stigmas. That mental health issues are real. That we are all fighting a hard battle, so let's just be kind. I've come a long way from where I began. The journey continues...

Sullivan out.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Spoiler Alert!

My absolutely lovely ex-boyfriend has been on me lately about my writing. Yes, I've been ignoring it. I have half a book written but it's terrible. In the past five years I'd like to think I've improved???

He bought me this for my birthday:

So tonight I ditched the last book and started over. Here's a sneak preview. Thoughts on how it opens?

It’s always windy on the ferry but the sun feels warm on my face. It’s a beautiful day for a boat ride between PEI and Nova Scotia. I don’t want to be here. I pulled out the book Adam gave me before I left Toronto. It was his favorite. I threw it overboard. Then I took out the journal. We had exchanged notebooks so we could still talk to each other whenever we wanted to, even while we were apart. I threw that over too. I watched each book get sucked under the current and disappear.

When we were little, my mother used to tell us that the current from the moving boat was so strong that if we fell over the side, we’d get sucked right underneath and no one would be able to help us. It kept us from climbing the railings. I’m not sure if it was ever true, but it seemed to be working so far.

I was planning that the next thing to go overboard would be me. My travel bag was heavy. I could swim but I was hoping that under the weight of my bag I would just get sucked under the boat before anyone really noticed. I felt bad for my Grandma, she is always waiting so loyally on the other side for me to show up. There would be some confusion back and forth, calling my dad, asking him if I missed the boat. Until they all realized I was gone.

I was waiting to jump for a gap in between all the tourists taking pictures and people strolling around eating ice cream when someone approached me. “Are you okay dear?” she asked sweetly. I just glared at her. This was out of character for me. I’ve always been polite, a people pleaser. I just didn’t care anymore. I looked away. Why won’t she leave me alone?

She knelt down and put her hand on my shoulder. “You know, sometimes life can be very hard. Things get better though.” Stop touching me is all I could think. “I know it might not feel like that now. But you’re not alone. I love you. And I’ll be right over there if you need anything.”

Then she walked away. But she stayed there watching me the rest of the trip. I have no idea why this lovely woman would come up and say those things to the saddest, angriest, most unapproachable person on the boat. With a sigh, I realized my suicide attempt would have to wait for another day. Someone, something out there wanted me to get to the other side. And I have. It’s been a long journey though. This would not be the first or last time I almost gave up. Or the last time someone else has saved my life. 

Sullivan definitely not out yet. :)