Monday, 16 November 2015

Rainy Days and Mondays

We have been friends in sunshine and in rain.

My dad says you can count the number of true friends you have in life on one hand. He's probably right, he usually is.

I have had the the most lucky opportunity to be friends with someone who I consider a confidant, a sister, my family. We were never supposed to be friends. She was raised 7th Day Adventist, I was a Jehovah's Witness. There's a whole lot of crazy right there.

The best thing about real friendship and real love is that somehow, those things don't matter. She used to think I judged her lifestyle, but I didn't. Then I got kicked out of the jdubs and we were on a level playing field for the first time. Two perfectly imperfect girls.

She is your perfect friend. Kind, caring, compassionate, smart, sexy, beautiful. We've been through a lot together over the past 20 years. She was so funny. We've had so many laughs and good times. We'd go on business trips and just stay in the same hotel room even though we each had our own because we didn't like to be apart.

She loved food. The second time around with cancer my brother decided he'd bring us dinner at the hospital and he actually brought real china and silverware from home. He broke his arm as soon as he left the hospital that night but it's still a good memory. :)

Last night I just felt like I needed to go to the hospital. I've been dealing with depression and recovering, so my therapist only lets me go to the hospital twice a week. I came home and didn't sleep well. I woke up this morning and she was gone.

What can I say? We've seen each other through everything - losing friends, family, lovers. She was at my wedding and there for me for the divorce. Selfishly, I feel a piece of me dying with her because there is no one else here in Toronto who knew my past life. My friends, my family, my husband. Despite the fact that you're not allowed to be friends with non-JWs - they all LOVED her.

Donia is a beautiful soul - inside and out. She used to sing me Rainy days and Mondays when we were having a bad day.

Round three of cancer won. And she had to go. Wherever she's going to now, I'll get there eventually. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile. 

Rest in peace my darling, beautiful, wonderful friend. I'll miss you every day. I love you more than I can express on some silly blog. Xo

Sullivan out.

Friday, 13 November 2015

What do you mean?

Alright, I'm a not so closet Justin Bieber fan. But the kid is right. Y'all can be really difficult to figure out. I love you, I don't. I want you in my life, I don't. I'll always be there for you, I won't.

My love for people is unconditional. To a fault. To the point where I have severely damaged myself giving out too many second chances. Third chances. More than that.

I'm so imperfect, I can't even start to write a list of all the areas I could improve on. But I know one thing for sure. I know how to love. And sometimes that is what destroys you.

I've been extremely lucky to find some really amazing people who will accept me, love me, take chances on me despite everything that's happened. You know who you are.

This back and forth though? I really can't take it anymore. I'm done. That's why I block people from my phone and email. How many times can you get burned by the same people and just smile when they give you some little treat to go on? I'm not a dog.  I have a dog. I give him treats but he also gets to sleep next to me in the bed. I love him even when he makes mistakes.

You JWs though? Leave me alone. I've heard from two more in the past week. And they mean well. I love them. But stop. It's been SIX years. The shun/unshun, love/unlove - it's gotta stop. Delete my phone number. My email address. Stop trying to save my soul. I'm going to hell in every religion. The good part? I don't believe in hell. Hell is here. Heaven is here. I'm sorry you can't see the wreckage you leave behind every time you pretend to care about me but you're really just trying to convert me back. Or maybe it's something else. I know I'm good at making people feel loved. And even in the lovely on the outside, psycho on the inside organization they have set up for you, you don't find the kind of connection with most of them that you had with me. That's because I wasn't faking it. Or doing it out of obligation. I really did love you. I'm sorry if you miss me. That was your choice to get rid of me though.

I'm proud to be an APOSTATE. You had the past six years of me trying to build a bridge where we could meet somewhere in the middle. Not anymore. The bridge is burned. I'm sorry that y'all are having to listen to all the reports of sex abuse cover up, all the recent scandals with the organization. The court cases, the constant pressure they are putting on you to donate more money to help them deal with this.

Staying there though, is your choice. It's been a long path from where we all began. I'm so far off the beaten track though you should stop trying. I'm not the one lost, you are. I wish nothing but the best for all of you. Please though, stop fucking with my brain. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. Or I'll have to start turning you in for talking to an apostate. The worst crime any JW could ever commit. Don't be guilty of it.

Sullivan out.

Friday, 6 November 2015

Live Free or Die Hard

I've become way too familiar with the hospital. One of my best friends is dying so I spend more than the usual amount of time in palliative care. If I had been normal, maybe this would be easier. Maybe it wouldn't. Having lost so many people though, this is hard.

This is not and never will be about me. It's about her. She was my rock. Yah, Jehovah's Witnesses aren't allowed to be friends with outsiders, but I broke the rules once. We ended up with a 20 year friendship that can never be replaced.

She is beautiful. Even while she's dying. She is funny. She's your perfect girl. Your perfect friend.

I have two voices in my head. First, my mother. My uncle Ken was dying around the same age as my friend and I had to put his cat down. My mother asked me why I would stay and watch it instead of just leaving. It was because I knew I'd get home and he would ask me how it went. And because the kitty deserved to have someone holding her hand while it happened.

The other, stronger voice is my dad. I told him the other day that my mother would not approve of me being there for my friend because it makes me sad. I deal with depression and I know we need to choose our battles. Dad just said: "You're not like her, You're like me."And I'm genuinely happy about that.

I received an email today from the past life. A friend who I really love. The message: Come back to Jehovah. Honestly, if I never hear that name again it will be too soon. I can't do that.

In honour of my wonderful friend, I choose to live life free and honestly. None of us know how much time we have left. So let's live free and die hard. :)

Off to the hospital, have a great night.

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Welcome to the Jungle!

I know, I know. I don't write anymore. I have a bunch of stuff saved up in my head to write about though, so don't worry, I'm coming back. It's just been a bit of a trek to get here.

I'm going to start with something easy, that I started writing months ago. I'd like to introduce to you to my cousin Ellen. She's new-ish to Toronto (I said I've been writing this for months).

Ellen works in marketing and communications, just like me. She's currently doing her Masters and has an undergrad in Business. She's worked for some big companies like RBC. She decided to come to the city to have a change of scenery and look for new opportunities.

I remember moving to Toronto from out east, it's a big change. People are different here. Not bad different, just different. When I go home every summer, I feel angry that people are moving so slowly through traffic. And then I have to remind myself that I'm just going to the grocery store, I'm on vacation so stop thinking about honking at everyone. I have to remind myself to smile at people on the street because in Toronto we don't do that.

Back to Ellen. She's not only gorgeous and smart but she volunteers, she's a dog enthusiast and a foodie. We both share a love of white wine and the Spice Girls. If you know of any opportunities coming up that would suit a raising star, let me know.

Ellen - welcome to the jungle! :)

Sullivan out.