Saturday, 29 August 2015

Streetwalker Barbie

My dad says you can count the number of real friends you have in your life on one hand.

I used to have hundreds of them. But that life wasn't real. A real friend loves you no matter what. Through your ups and downs and theirs. Even if you make life choices they don't agree with. Even if you fight, you always make up.

One of the greatest friendships I've had was not supposed to happen. The JWs don't let you be friends with outsiders. I guess I've always been a little tiny bit of a rebel because for 20 years I've loved her. She is the only one I broke the rules for.

We've had so many good and bad times together. Her screen saver on her computer used to say "happiness is the remission of pain". Then I had my first real heartbreak. She would sing me "Rainy days and Mondays". She has a beautiful voice.

We have a unique friendship. For 8 years our offices were next to each other and we would just talk through the walls. The girl across the hall would laugh at us. She called me Streetwalker Barbie and I called her a Trashy Black Ho. Neither of us took offence.

We went on business trips and even though we each had our own hotel room, we just stayed together. When I got disfellowshipped, and it was my birthday, the guy I loved ditched me that night. Donia took me out for dinner and a movie.

She is so much of a better person than me, but that has never mattered. She's always loved me anyways. She's going through a difficult time right now. I still don't know if I believe in God. But I've been praying on my knees this week.  If you have a better connection with Him, can you pray too?

I love you, you Trashy Black Ho. You always stay strong so I don't need to tell you to do that. You're my hero. Always selfless, caring, loving. No matter what happens now, our friendship will last forever. In this life, the next and the next. :)

Streetwalker Barbie out.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

The Dance

We were young, we were reckless, we'll take this way too far. It will leave you breathless or with a nasty scar. - TS

Y'all know that I would write something today. 

I can't go through August 9th without pulling out the wedding album and having a cry. He's moved on. He's having a baby this month. 

He was the best friend I've ever had. None of my family really ever approved. Just before we walked down the aisle my dad said: "We don't have to do this, we have a car. We can just leave." But I was walking down that aisle and marrying the man I loved. 

Sex and the city says it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. I'm almost there. In the meantime, I wish nothing but happiness for him. I hope his baby girl is healthy and happy. I wish things had turned out differently and she would be mine. 

We never had a song. After we broke up we found it. 

"I'm glad I didn't know
The way it would all would end, the way it all would go. 
Our lives are better left to chance. 
I would have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance."

Sullivan out. 

Saturday, 8 August 2015

Fall or fly?

Not the greatest weekend. Yesterday I finally got the closure I was needing from the love of my life. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. It will be a difficult couple of days. And I'm allowing myself that. I can be sad. I can be not okay. Come Monday though, everything starts all over again new. 

I'm free - from the JWs, from my past. Freedom is worth the cost we pay to buy it. I'm on the precipice. I can fall or fly. I'm choosing fly. 

Monday, 3 August 2015

Do I wanna know?

It's been awhile. I'm finally starting to find my voice again. You know what's worse than losing your family? Losing them twice. Unfortunately I am not allowed to be who I am and keep the family too. 

I actually thought I could fight this battle against the Jehovah's Witnesses and win. I can't. But that doesn't mean I won't stop fighting. I'm happy they are going down in this child abuse scandal. Not happy that anything bad ever happened to any children, just happy other people are finding their voice, speaking out and telling the truth. We've all been silent for too long. 

I'm extremely lucky that most of the family doesn't buy into that ideal and they support me. It's a little bit crazy that two people can influence your entire perception of life. Make you want to give up. 

I lost the opportunity to be with the love of my life so I could try to get back to them. I guess I loved my mother and sister more than him. In all fairness, he hasn't come back in 5 years so I guess it's time to move on. From all of them. 

At the end of the day, those people who won't love us? For each of them, there are so many others who will. It's easy to fixate on the rejection. Moving on doesn't mean we won't always love them. I'm stubborn that way and I'm sure a lot of us are. But I have people in my life who will always be there, always support me and always care. That's more than anyone could wish for. 

My therapist asked me if I regretted my decision to try to get reinstated with the JWs, losing my love in the process. Looking back, I would say yes. But if I hadn't tried to do that, it may have been some dark cloud that hung out over my head for the rest of my life. Wondering what could have been. 

Do I want to know the outcome of any big decisions I make in life? Yes and no. Part of the journey is making mistakes, bouncing back and choosing your own adventure. So far, despite the setbacks I'd say life is pretty exciting. 

I'm writing again so stay tuned for tomorrow's post about my fabulous cousin who just moved to TO. 

Sullivan out.