Thursday, 25 December 2014

All I want for Christmas...

Is exactly what I have. 

I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes us insane. Yesterday I walked into my friends work. He's gay and when he decided to live the life that was true to him, his JW family cut him off and never came back. 

Him: How's it going Maggie? (Only one other person has ever nicknamed me that. I secretly love it.)

Me: (Sighs as she drops her shopping bags.) Christmas is hard work. Maybe I was better off in the cult. 

He laughed and laughed. He gets me. :)

I was feeling kinda crazy though. My psychic told me in the summer that I had bad karma. And if I paid her $300 she could get rid of it for me. That the love of my life was out there and we were both unhappy apart. If I removed the bad karma he would come back. 

So - yes I know as I'm typing this I'm an idiot - I emailed him. All I said was Merry Christmas. He sent me a note back and I cried and cried. And I called the psychic three times, determined to fix this before Christmas. She didn't pick up and I think the Universe was sending me a message. 

I realized I don't want him to come back unless that's what he wants. I honestly don't need a man in my life, I just miss him sometimes. I really did love him. But last night my brother came over and we watched a cheesy Christmas movie and opened all our presents. We're not big on waiting until Christmas morning. I woke up this morning with someone I truly care about. We have a pretty tree, two cats and way too much chocolate. 

The first guy I dated after my two year hiatus after getting divorced gave me the best gift ever - he let me into his family. I haven't seen him in awhile, but I got a call this morning to come over for dinner. His family has been my family for so long now I can't imagine there was ever a time we weren't all together. I showed up for turkey dinner. I have my own spot at the table. I let his daughter give me pink highlights which may or may not have been the best idea depending on whether or not they wash out before I have to go back to work. 

He's as handsome as ever. And I'm so happy he's home. I'm so grateful for everything and everyone I have. I have a whole family again, I have a new family that I've build over the past few years. It's been hard, I won't lie. 

If you're not happy though, tearing everything down and building it up again can make you the happiest person ever. Pushing boundaries, letting new people's all worth it. Like I said at the beginning of this post...all I want for Christmas is exactly what I have now. Thank you all for being a part of that. And I hope you've found exactly what you're looking for too. 

Sullivan out. 

PS: Merry Christmas!! xo

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Just Give Me a Reason

This time of year is funny. People show up who you haven't heard from in forever. I was over at my girlfriend's place the other night and this is how it went:

Her: So are you seeing anyone?

Me: Nope. I am getting those random text messages from guys I dated a few times ages ago who want to reconnect. 

Her: It's just this time of year. I get those too. 

Me: Why don't they ever delete our phone numbers? I don't even know who half of them are. Because I deleted their phone number

Guys of the world - make a note. Unless we decide to have a lovely friendship with you, we've deleted your phone number. Please do us a favour and delete ours instead of texting us at Christmas time because you're lonely. :)

Since I'm off work, I've had a little bit of extra time and I finally checked out my sister's wedding website. She's posted a bunch of pictures on there and she looks like she's really happy. Which makes me extremely happy. There is absolutely nothing in the world I want more than my sister's happiness. 

It made me think though. Maybe I should start trying again. Maybe I want to look that way in pictures too. Maybe, just maybe I want to look at someone with that same look in my eyes. I felt like maybe this is the reason I've been looking for - and you just need one reason - to open up, to try again. 

But that's silly. I know some of y'all disagree with me, but I believe in The One. And there's only one "the one". And when we took pictures, we looked like this. And when he held my hand I was the happiest girl on the planet. And when he left me, I didn't believe life was worth living anymore. 

So no, despite all the lovely, documented proof that love exist and flourishes, and as much as I will celebrate that for Erin, it's not for me. There are all sorts of "little loves" that I can enjoy. Without my soulmate. I apologize to all the guys I've dated in the past 5 years. You just didn't stand a chance against the ghost of Him. But...Game of Thrones is back this weekend! That's the current love of my life. :) 

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Tell me about 4 am

I have a sleep problem. I wake up at 4 am almost every day, no matter what time I go to bed. Usually it's because I'm having a bad dream. By "bad dream" I just mean visits from ghosts of the past. They are SO REAL. I can hear their voices, see the exact color of their eyes. I remember our conversations. I wake up confused, disoriented and sad. 

My therapist likes to talk about this now. He's always asking me: "So, tell me about 4 am." Sometimes I can get back to sleep, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do yoga, read books, listen to music, meditate.  

On Sex and the City the girls used to say it takes half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them. Considering how long I was there and the amount of people I've had to get over, I think I'm doing pretty good at only 5.5 years in. 

Recently I found something in a box. I had (geek alert!) a Winnie the Pooh guestbook that I used to leave on the coffee table for people to sign when they came over. This morning at 4 am I started flipping through it. Apparently I was a great hostess. I used to throw tons of dinner parties, I used to make cheesecake. I used to bring home boxes of mussels from PEI every summer and have a seafood-fest. 

The guestbook is actually quite funny, every page has a picture or a quote from Winnie the Pooh. People would add their own quotes, draw their own pictures, make fun of what one of our other friends had written. There's people in there that I completely forgot even existed. Then there's all the people who I don't let myself think about because it's too painful. Girls I was friends with since elementary school and was a bridesmaid in their wedding. Boys I was in love with at one time or another. 

Disclaimer: before you keep reading, this is a long one. That's what happens when you write blogs at 4 am. 

There are quotes from movies we used to be obsessed with, lots of thank yous, lots of compliments on the dinners and the one that gets me...lots of "I will love you forever".

That was back when I was a perfect hostess and a nearly perfect little JW housewife. At 4 am today I had to laugh. Because growing up that way wasn't ideal, of course I would have picked a different life if I could have. What I've had to overcome to get out? I couldn't do it again. I wouldn't survive a Round 2. 

I never answer the "tell me about 4 am" question. But if you'd like to know I'll tell you now what it's like. Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it's sad or frustrating, sometimes it makes me happy. One thing is for sure though, I always know I'll feel terrible getting up for work in a couple of hours. Most of the times I wake up because of a bad dream. That means I'll be having a panic attack. It might take an hour or two for it to subside. 

Sometimes though, 4 am brings amazing clarity. There is only one person from that old life who used to be a close friend that I have completely hated. Even with all my efforts to be Zen, to have compassion, to forgive, to love. When I was suicidal I reached out to him for help. His answer? There is no help for the disfellowshipped. I've been upset about that for 5 years. 

Reading all his comments in my guest book next to all his ridiculous Batman pictures, along with everyone else's today, I realized that it's okay. We all have bad stuff that we wish had never happened to us. But before all that bad stuff, there was a lot of good, a lot of fun. If they hadn't chosen such an extreme way of treating me in the end, I may never have left. It was painful but they did me a favour. Because despite all the anxiety, despite the 4 am wake up calls, I'm really happy to have the life I have now. Those friends, that life was not a mistake. I didn't know any better. My marriage wasn't a mistake. It was the right fit for me at the time. And truth? I still love y'all. (Even you, you asshole.) :)

My therapist asks me why I can't just ask them to leave when they show up. It's because part of me doesn't want to. Part of me is happy to have that visit. But could y'all maybe wait until closer to 6 am? 4 is a bit early. :)

Sullivan out.  

Sunday, 14 December 2014

We're not broken, just bent

"Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough. Just a second we're not broken just bent. And we can learn to love again."

My girlfriend came over yesterday to do my hair for the big work party. Apparently my hair is awful but you'd never know from this picture (she did a great job). And that seems to be what life is all about, isn't it? Pretending we're all fine even when we're not. 

When we do let someone see the "not so pretty" parts of us it's very disappointing when they go away. It's so hard to put yourself out there in the first place. Then there are those people who you know will never walk away. You can disagree, you can fight, you can yell and they still show up the next time you're supposed to be together. My brother is one of those people for me. 

I won't lie. I can FaceBook it up as well as anyone else. And I can make my life look perfect. But it's not. It's good enough though. I'm luckier than a lot of people. I do however have bad dreams that don't go away. The old life still haunts me at night and sometimes my roomate says he hears me screaming in my sleep.

That's the one thing I would change if I could. If I could just sleep I would have no complaints with life. I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, go to work, even though some mornings are not as easy as others. I think if more of us could tell the truth, confess that our lives are not perfect FaceBook pages, that we struggle, we wouldn't feel so alone. We'd know the truth - that there are so many of us out there dealing with depression, with anxiety. That we love our lives, we are grateful for what and who we have but we're dealing with some heavy shit.  We're not broken, just bent.  

Sullivan out. 

Thursday, 11 December 2014

I think I wanna marry you

"It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you." - Bruno Mars

My little sister is getting married. Don't ever let your best friend and your sister get engaged in the same week. It's very high maintenance. Y'all know my philosophy on it: "If it ain't broke, don't marry it." I can understand how to people who have never been through it before it can seem very exciting.

And it is. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life even though I spent the entire night before not sleeping, wondering if I was making a mistake. (It wasn't a mistake. If I went back in time I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing the outcome.) :)

Getting divorced though is a different story. Statistically speaking, one of these two marriages will end up the same way mine did. But I hope both of them beat the odds and live happily ever after. 

I used to be such a romantic. I loved old movies, read all the classics over and over again, had poetry books on my coffee table. Then I became jaded. I guess everything spiraled so far out of my control that I just lost whatever that was that was such a big part of me. 

But I still believe in love. Maybe not romantic love, but love is what gets us out of bed in the morning. It's what we go to work for, it's what we come home to. 

I was talking to my therapist last week. He's been through a similar life as me, written papers on escaping a controlling religion and losing everything in the process. He gets me. 

Me: When does it go away? The nightmares, the sadness, the fight against the old life?

Him: It doesn't. It gets better. It doesn't go away. 

He's always honest. My last boyfriend said he was a terrible doctor for telling me that, but I think that's what makes him a good doctor. 

This is why I don't date anymore. They all just want me to get "fixed". There is no way to do that. And I don't see myself as broken. 

Then I told him that what I missed most about the old me was how much I felt, how much I cared. I still care about people. But not the way I used to. He didn't think it was a bad thing. He said I used to be at an extreme level on one side of this, now I'm at the other end. It will even itself out. 

I got up the next day and went to the Christmas market with my adopted family. T made me a card. She held my hand and I caught up with "mom". I met up with some girlfriends after they left and I came home feeling a slight flicker of all that stuff I miss about me. 

Whether we get married, get divorced or stay single our whole lives, what provides us with the best love is family. If that is our biological family or the family we make for ourselves...that's the love that keeps us grounded, that helps us through hard times, that makes our hearts feel full. Find your family. And then work hard to keep them close. 

Sullivan out.