Sunday, 30 November 2014

You & Me

The perfect Sunday morning song

Someone who will be there when you start to fall apart. Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark. That's you and me. 

My secret life friend was over the other night. He ate my food, we had some drinks and then he stole my new CD. (Yes, some people still buy CDs, and yes of course, I gave it to him, he didn't steal it.

We're not in love. But if I actually wanted to be in love we would be great. Guys, listen when I say this: a guy who will slow dance with you in the living room, cuddle with you on the carpet? Who shares your taste in music, who holds your hand for no reason, who is so cute when you go to a concert together of one of your favorite bands from when we were young?

In another time and place, he would be The One. We're both older now though and have been through real loves of our own. I don't know if we're incapable of falling in love again or just jaded. 

Love is love though. In whatever form it comes in it matters. As I left the other night, I turned back and said "I love you". He didn't say anything. I said "You can say it back, it's not a big deal."  And it's not. You & Me is so many people over the past few years. I probably love Lizzie more than anyone I've ever met. My sister and brother. 

I have the love of my life out there somewhere and an ex-husband. My dance card is probably full. I have to believe it all happens for a reason. That's you and me. 

Sullivan out. 

Monday, 24 November 2014

My Therapist Says...

So like every Friday afternoon, last week I walked into the doctor's office. 

I picked him on purpose. He's a spiritual teacher, he's studied Buddhism, he's very Zen.

I told him about the nightmares. Just like the week before. The week before he told me I should just ask those people to leave when they showed up. Didn't work, I couldn't do it.  

This week was completely different. And a little surprising. 

Him: Have you thought about getting a sword? 

Me: No. 

Him: It might help. Have you ever taken self defense classes?

Me: I took boxing for awhile. 

I went through a rough time. Boxing helped. I remember one night, when the X and I were still friends, he texted me before my class and just said: "Punch something. Hard." He and my brother are probably the only people who will ever know how hellish life was back then. 

Or maybe my therapist gets it too. I've been on the internet for the past few days looking up boxing gloves and how does one even buy a sword in Canada? 

Maybe we can fuse the zen, the spirituality, the striving for inner peace with our innate need to feel like we can protect ourselves from harm, from evil, from injustice. 

I'll figure it out. In the meantime, I'll still go to yoga, but I found a boxing gym close by. My gloves will be pink. And if you know anyone who sells swords, let me know. :)

Sullivan out.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

We've Got Tonight

I can't find the right version of this Bob Seger song so no youtube link today. But I'm sure you know the song. If you don't, please stop reading me right now and go watch whatever it is you kids are watching these days.

"I know it's late. I know you're weary. I know your plans don't include me. Still here we are, both of us lonely, longing for shelter from all that we see."

My last boyfriend told me I was just terrified of being alone. That's not true. I've been alone more than most people I know ever have. And I'm pretty sure I rock it. That doesn't mean though that I don't appreciate the company when they are here. :)

I've chosen to open the door to good people who want to come through it and however long they stay, they stay. When they leave, they leave. I honestly don't have a plan. I don't have an end game. I don't need you to buy me a diamond or try to spend forever with me. My forever is on a different path than what I was programmed to believe in. It might mean I end up alone, but I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'll figure it out.

This song...good story. I dropped my little brother off at the airport after a long night of barhopping. I was hungover, sleep deprived and smoking a cigarette. This guy walked up and asked me for directions so I took him to his hotel. Cause I'm nice like that. He hung around for the next four days and one night after we went to dinner I put on this song and we danced to it in the living room. We were supposed to come back together but it didn't happen. And that's okay.

It seems like everyone I know got engaged recently and I'm happy for them. But for me, tonight is all that I can commit to right now. And you know what? All those years I spent with my ex-husband? Were special. I still miss him. But some of those short stories along the way are special too. I think we're programmed to not want to be alone. Getting to that place though where we can just appreciate the present and not worry about the future has been probably the most significant achievement of my life.

When we learn to love ourselves, we're never really alone are we? Then having "tonight" with someone special just makes life all that much better. :)

*Dedicated to you, Vienna*

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

In Repair

I was pretty happy coming home from work today. Monday and Tuesday - always rough. I write a lot of to-do lists and by Wednesday afternoon I've finally crossed a lot of things off and it all starts to seem more achievable and then I begin to calm down.

I wish I could just convince my brain that by Wednesday afternoon it would all feel better. My subconscious seems to hate me though. I'm not sure if you can relate but for all the positive reinforcement, the meditation, the trying to think happy thoughts, I can't control what happens a third of the day, when I'm sleeping. 

All I do lately is have dream after dream so it feels like, in some ways, I'm working 24/7. Not at "work work" but just work in general. When I'm sleeping it's real life stuff, usually past life stuff. People I haven't thought about in ages just barge right in and sit down in my living room and refuse to leave. Apparently I've started talking in my sleep. My roomate tried to wake me up the other night and I just yelled at him to get away from me. But I was still dreaming and the person I was yelling at wasn't him at all. 

My therapist (yes here we go again) has been lovely. He's treating me for free and I can't really figure out why, except maybe I'm a fascinating case study. I asked him last week if he thought all this effort and time that both of us have been putting into our time together was worth it. Not to mention the lost work time for both of us. 

Me: Can you fix me?

Him: (sighs) No. 

He went on to explain that he can help, no doubt. And if I keep working hard like I have been, it will continue to improve. But it can't be fixed. Too much trauma to completely recover from. 

I asked a friend of mine the other day who has been through a lot if he ever has rage nightmares against the people who hurt him. I think I've worked hard to get past any anger and resentment about the past. But when I sleep, it comes out. It's buried somewhere in there. He said no, not any more. Now he just dreams about the happy times. 

I honestly don't think I would pick that over this. The dreams are so real, so vivid. I see their faces and hear their voices as if they were right here in front of me now. If I woke up thinking I was back there in the happy times, I might be too sad to get out of bed. 

So for now, I'm in repair. I'll take the panic attacks, the insomnia, the talking in my sleep. And be grateful that when I do wake up, the family, friends and support I have pretend not to notice the circles under my eyes, the fidgeting, all the nervous habits I've picked up. If I have to be in repair mode, I do have the best support system I could wish for. 

I know worrying is a exercise in futility. That's why I try not to do it. I hope someday my subconscious catches up and tries to be as happy as I do. :)

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Hasn't Hit Me Yet

I'll be the first to admit I haven't really been on my game lately. I'm so happy to be back at work but after being off/sick for so long, it's really hard to get your stamina back. I am trying, for sure, but the other day I came home for lunch and thought I'd just lie down for a few minutes. I woke up half an hour later in a panic and had to go back to work hungry. The people there though are great, there's lots of leftover Halloween candy and those things make everything worth it. :)

Speaking of Halloween, can you guess who I was?

Everyone said "bar wench" and asked me to make them drinks. Not correct. Then there was the incident of me dropping my phone (again) and having to spend all day Saturday trying to get it fixed. It was expensive. I think I might need to get a land line for emergencies. 

The real story here though is that today was awesome. It's possible I've completely embarrassed myself twice now with my semi-celebrity crush, but I think he thinks I'm adorable and if I hadn't been so lazy this morning and put my hair in a ponytail before work I would probably be married by now to Jim Cuddy. 

I love Blue Rodeo. They're my favorite (sorry U2, you guys are a very close second). My sister and I discovered them together at an all day, multi-musical group concert when we were new to Toronto. I still have a picture of us somewhere sitting on a blanket on the grass. And that's usually how I see them now. They always play in August. I always sit on the grass and buy the tshirt. They always do a show in February and I figure that's my birthday month so I can justify buying some tickets and guilting some friend who doesn't really love them into going with me. 

Their best concert I saw was a secret one they performed at a little dive bar in Toronto. And as close as I got to them that night, I'd still never met them. So many of their songs resonate with me, but having two lead singers mixes it up. Usually my favorite songs are Greg's. (Don't tell Jim. Greg just has a bit more edge. Hasn't Hit Me Yet is the best song ever.) But I've always had a crush on Cuddy. He kinda looks like my dad. And he's the one who sings "Try"

I ran into him once in Kensignton Market. It was one of those split seconds where you recognize someone as they are walking past you. I turned around and said "Jim Cuddy!" he looked back and I couldn't think of the right thing to say to this man whose songs I'd listened to a thousand times.  So I just said " I love you". He got that "she's a crazy stalker" look in his eye, laughed and kept walking. I was like, damn. 

This morning, I was running late. So for maybe the third time ever in the 4.5 years I've been at this job, I put my hair in a ponytail, grabbed an umbrella and ran out of my apartment and right into my crush. Apparently (according to Spencer) I was the biggest geek ever. If I was hoping to redeem myself from our awkward first run-in, that didn't happen. 

I said the exact same thing I said the first time: "Jim Cuddy". He had a guitar and some luggage with him. I could have asked him to play "Try" and how fun would it have been if he opened his guitar case and started playing on the sidewalk and the Bay Streeters walking by would throw some change into it?

But I was dedicated to redeeming myself this time. So no, I did not tell him that I love him. (Sidepoint: I really don't care about dating right now, but I do love you Jim. I do.) Instead, I was just an overly talkative mess. It would appear that I told him not once, not twice but four times that I go see every show they do in the city. And that I accidentally told him I loved him in Kensignton Market once. And lots of stuff about how great the band is and how much I love their music. Then I asked if we could take a picture. And look at us. We're besties now. :) He really is the loveliest guy and if you want to hit them up at Massey Hall in February, call me. 

Sullivan out.