Friday, 28 March 2014

Here and Now

Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be ok

Welcome to the weekend. Here's my new favorite Friday night song. I can put money on the fact that it will be my favorite Saturday morning song this week too. I decided to stay in and finish up the two weeks of hell that has been this crazy virus. I managed to go to work this week, so that was an improvement. Hopefully if I lie low this weekend by Monday I'll be back in fighting form. 

I don't have any good stories to regale you with, so I'll just admit I've slipped back into my old habit of dating 28-year-olds. They're never "suits".  They're just fun, happy guys who like to drink beer, stay up too late, dance in the living room, pick you up in the elevator to hold you up over their heads while they kiss you, swoop you up to carry you into the bedroom and love to make out with you right on the street. 

New guy is a ginger, y'all know I love gingers. They all seem to be pretty much interchangeable, it's like dating the same red-headed guy over and over and over again.

It may be because I've been sick for so long, but I'm starting to feel too old for this. Like dating a 28 year old is the same as having a puppy. You never know when they're going to lick your face, bite you or try to hump your leg. But they do have cool jobs (see pic below). I had lunch with 27 today (who is now 28) and he said just wait and see what happens when you get your strength back. He was never a typical 27, he and I have both been through some challenging life circumstances and I think that's why we get each other. 

I've been feeling very optimistic today. I wore my spring coat to lunch for the first time, it wasn't actually freezing out and I can almost imagine the smell of fresh cut grass, that first cold beer on a patio in the sunshine, wearing little summer dresses, taking the ferry to the island and reading a book in the park, getting back out on the yacht in the sun. Where we are right now is not all that bad. We're so close to where we want to be. :)

Right now, there is only one man I'm dying to see - my secret life friend - and he'll be home in a few days. Maybe that's why I feel the the entire season is changing for the better, out of the lonely cold and back into the warm, loving light. Can't wait to crack a bottle of Jameson and tell each other all our stories of this time we've been apart. 

Reporting live from "here and now", 

Sullivan out. 

Wednesday, 26 March 2014


I went on a date the other night. This guy looks so much like that guy. Y'all know who I'm talking about, the one I was mad about, the one who ruined everything in my life and made everything right at the same time. Let's just say he's my "Big". 

It's like the Universe reincarnated him into some cute 28 year old and sent him back to me. I know, I know he's not dead so he can't be reincarnated. I know stuff about religion. I also know I should not be dating 28 year olds. :)

It's still strange. Even personality wise they are very similar. They grew up in the same area. I can't decide if going down this road is the best or worst idea I've ever had. Probably worst but you know me, I'll see how it plays out. 

Big - if you're wondering, I still miss you every day. I know you are my soulmate and this whole dating thing is just an exercise in futility. But what else can I do? Give up? Not this girl. Besides, if you can decide to settle for second best, so can I. 

I've got so many other things on the go right now with work stuff, family stuff, trying to talk myself out of adopting these two drunk kittens (that's another story), I'm really not obsessing about this. I've also gotten to the point where I realize it's been way too long since I got my hair done or seen my therapist. Time to get back on track for spring and hair and mind are equally critical. :) 

Still, I can't help but stare at him. He notices. 

The Universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humour. - Carrie

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

House of Cards

I'll be the first to admit it. I'm white trash. My brother sent me a picture tonight of my stepbrother's new FaceBook profile picture. He's smoking a cigarette and giving the finger to a cop car. Seeing that, I'm honestly ashamed of where I come from. 

Half of my family is in a crazy cult, the rest of them refuse to look life in the eye and deal with reality. And they side with the wrong kid. That's right, I said it. 

I love my family. They've always been a house of cards though. The foundation could use some work. I imagine a lot of families are like that. 

I told you I volunteered for this mental health week stuff. Someday soon, I get to get up in front of over 100 of my colleagues and talk about how all this shit made me want to end it all. I do and I don't know how I got here. 

My girlfriend, her parents haven't really talked to her in almost a decade. Fun story: they sold her piano, that her grandpa bought her. And kept the money. Today, out of the blue, the JWs who bought the piano contact her (even though apparently it's a sin to talk to us disfellowshipped people) and offer to sell her back her own piano, at a deal - just what they paid for it. Not what they think it's really worth. It's her fucking piano. 

ARE YOU GUYS INSANE? Seriously. Truth? You believe talking to us is a sin. You won't make it through Armageddon. She misses you, and I do too. Y'all were my second set of parents. The ones who kept me grounded through my crazy life growing up. But lying is also a sin in your books. Pretending you don't shun your only daughter to your family? I hate to point it out, but you're going down at "Armageddon" either way. We'll see you on the other side - one big, dysfunctional, dead family :)

My dad sent me this picture the other day. Gawd, did I think back then things could get worse than what they were? I don't think so. I still try to believe that. 

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Fast Car

I've been thinking about this.

Being home alone sick all week was one thing but this weekend I...wait a minute. Am I seriously getting work emails at 9:21 pm on Sunday? 

Anyways. This is one of my Travis songs. We've got a fast car. I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal. Maybe together we can get somewhere. I got a plan to get us outta here...

I actually thought we were gonna make it together. Us against the world right? No. So here I am and it's been a weird week. Some observations: 

1. My girlfriend posted a pic on Instagram of her and her mom that I took way back in the day. Her mom hasn't talked to her in I don't know, 7 or 8 years? What is WRONG with the JWs? Enough with the shunning! Stop it! Stop! Stop!

2. I don't get my parents. Either of them. I honestly don't understand how I am your offspring. If there's something you need to tell me about how I was adopted, please let me know. 

3. My sister came over on Friday night. There's a whole lotta story there. I'm happy we're back together and y'all can bet on the fact that we're not getting torn apart again no matter what. 

4. I wax poetic on here all the time, but the truth of the matter is, maybe it's not worth it to do all this hard work trying to start over. Maybe you get your one shot at being the pretty, popular girl with lifelong friends and you leave and all you ever have after that is a replacement life that's not exactly what you want, but you can never go back either. That would be worse. That life is less real than this one. This one's not real either though. 

Y'all know I love the walking dead. Most of the time, I'm in that show, just trying to survive, avoiding the zombies that are my past. I haven't been able to kill any of them yet, I still love them so much. 

Eventually though, we all turn. For survival. Survival is what matters, right?

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Hope Springs Eternal

Welcome to Spring 2014!

I'm not ringing it in quite the way I'd like to, I've been home in bed all week. There's some super virus going around Toronto which many of my friends and colleagues have fallen victim to. When I went to the doctor on Tuesday and she told me I had it, I was scared. Although I wasn't feeling well at all, her exact words were "You will feel much, much worse before you feel better." Oh, and apparently it lasts anywhere from a week to a week and a half. She wrote me a sick note from work until NEXT Wednesday, said there was nothing they could do for me since it's viral and to go home, get lots of rest and drink plenty of liquids. I really can't miss a week and a half of work, but when I woke up yesterday morning, I knew she was right. I'm not going anywhere right now. 

Last night was the worst so far, I woke up around midnight completely drenched in sweat. My hair was wet, my face was wet, my clothes were soaking, it was as if I'd inadvertently taken a sleepwalking shower and just realized it now a couple of minutes later. I was so hot I thought I might die and possibly slightly delirious. As a precaution, I went and got my phone out and put it under my pillow in case I needed to call 911. Being sick alone is not like being sick when you live with someone and they might notice if you're dying and take you to the doctor. You gotta fend for yourself in the middle of the night. 

Luckily, it passed and I felt better this morning (I use the term "better" loosely - I haven't even been well enough to read or watch tv, two of the greatest perks of being sick).

In the spirit of today being the first day of spring and trying to be an eternal optimist, at 2 am today when I felt so sick here are some of the things running through my mind that I was/am oh-so-grateful for:

- I have a bed to be crazy sick in. I know a lot of people suffer worse sicknesses and don't have that luxury. 
- I have a job that won't fire me (fingers crossed! just kidding) if I come in next week with a doctor's note.
- I actually had a friend from work walk over here last night in the rain with food supplies, vitamin drinks and a People magazine. It was so sweet of her to do that. 
- My other friends have called, FaceTimed and reached out, I even heard from my mother in Panama. 
- What girl would say no to losing a few pounds before spring?
- By the time I can leave the house, the weather might actually be nice out!
- Sunshine, flowers and wee dresses are just around the corner - need I say more?

Y'all know I'm a new beginnings junkie. We've all been sick, depressed, cranky lately, fed up with this long, cold winter but that's going to turn around very soon and you'll see - this spring will be awesome. As long as I don't die. :)

Sullivan out. 

Monday, 17 March 2014

Take me Home

In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day here's my favorite Irish drinking song:

You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best. I've been gone for a month, I've been drunk since I left... I need home for a rest. 

The thing is, I have no idea where home is anymore. I'm not even sure after the past few months that I can ever go home and be welcomed there again. It seems the shunning is just going in circles at this point. 

I guess home now is just here. I've been in Toronto longer than I've actually been home at this point. I have family here. Real family, not people you're blood related to who think they can go back and forth on whether or not they love you. 

Make a choice people.  Michael did. He's on my side no matter what. You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best...

Saturday, 15 March 2014

Welcome to Wherever You Are

I'm a little late on my regular Saturday morning post. I was up early, as usual. Talked to Lindsay on the phone, as usual. Put on the Saturday morning playlist, as usual. This morning it was the Tragically Hip. I wish I could touch people the way that music does, but I have absolutely no talent in that arena. So I appreciate music and instead I write. 

Sidepoint: I love Lindsay. I didn't even blow dry my hair today and she thought I looked cute all natural. Then we day-drank in honor of St. Patrick's Day weekend. Not an everyday habit, but it was fun. :)

I was talking to my brother yesterday, we're both becoming very wise through all our self-taught Buddhist studies. I think one of the things they teach is the absolutely most important thing we can learn in life: EVERYTHING IS IMPERMANENT. 

I spent two hours on FaceTime with my mom Thursday night. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Things are changing with my job, for the better. 

Life seems hopeless, we get desperate and what do we do? Seek pleasure, avoid pain. The ways we go about that though are not always healthy and they don't always satisfy us. 

This is just my opinion but I think it's better to take in the pain, feel it, work through it. Then, when the good times come, appreciate them, be grateful for them, as much as we can. But just know, they are impermanent too. 

It's important to realize when we're stuck and need to un-stick. I'm guilty of it as much as anyone else. I've honestly gotten to the point where work is just getting through the day without screwing up. I need to make it into something that deserves to take up most of my non-sleep time during the week. I'm working on that. I've gone on so many dates that I'm at the point where I come home, and couldn't care less if I ever hear from him again, even if he was a really nice guy. I don't even save anyone's number in my phone anymore. Next time I hear from them I have to try to figure out who the hell it is. I'm working on that too. :)

We know when we're not where we want to be. And when it comes to career or relationships, we can make a plan to move forward. But, we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves either. More often than we think, as much as it frustrates us, we're exactly where we're supposed to be right now.

We're not going to be here forever if we are committed to moving forward. Everything is impermanent, everything will change. In the meantime...welcome to wherever you are. Enjoy the stopover. :)

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Throwback Thursday!

Hmmm. I wonder how old I am here? 7? I'm really, really bad at figuring out how old kids are, apparently even with myself. 

If you're wondering, yes, that big black book is a Bible. This is how that morning probably went...


It's early on Saturday morning. A man's wife rolls over and tells him to get the door. It's PEI, so of course he doesn't look through a peephole or ask who it is. It's probably the neighbours wanting to borrow the lawnmover again. 

Door swings open. Damn, he thinks, it's those crazy Jehovah's Witnesses

I look up at him with a sweet smile. He can't be rude to a seven year-old child so he tries to smile back. 

Him: Can I help you?

Me: We're visiting our neighbours today to share a thought from the Bible. 

Him: It's really not a good time...his voice trails off as he tries to make up an excuse that won't hurt my feelings.

I look at him again, concerned. 

Me: But don't you want to live in a world without war?

He thinks about it for a minute...he'd probably be ok with war right now if I would just get off his doorstep. It's been a long week at work. But he'd be a total asshole to tell a little kid that.

Him: Well, yes...

I smile again. 

Me: Good, let me read you this scripture from the Bible.

Him: Well, actually I have my own religion. 

Me: Do you think all of us will ever be together in just one religion?

He thinks, are you insane, child?, this kid is good. He decides to take the easy way out, he really just wants to go back to bed. 

Him: Um, I really have to go, but I'll take your magazines. 

I smile for the third time in 3 minutes. Now I have someone to go back and visit again next Saturday morning. :)

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Blackbird's Song

Y'all know I'm a huge fan of the Walking Dead. Apparently after Sunday's episode (spoiler alert!) I have my own song now (click!). It's hauntingly beautiful. 

"Don't be scared, I'm still here. No more time for crying tears."

I would like to apologize to everyone who read my last blog. What I meant by "I give up" was I was giving up on writing this blog. Not life. Considering my past life choices, I can understand though why you might have been confused. And concerned. 

I know when you put yourself out there, in all aspects of life: writing, dating, working, being honest with the people you love, etc. you open yourself up to criticism and haters but I've had more than my fair share of hate on this blog the past month or so. Something I'm not used to and have never experienced in the past. Yah, I get the odd JW trying to plead their case but it's not the same as people constantly telling me I'm a terrible writer, I'm a bitch, I'm ugly, I'm a liar, I'm shit. It was starting to get to me. 

Thus the cryptic, "I give up" message.

If you're not a fan of the show, I'm going into geek talk now so feel free to read someone else's blog instead. 

So I really think the theme of this story is twofold. We all go through phases of life where we feel completely alone. Bob at the beginning of the episode, Darryl at the end. They're still looking for people, for community though, it just gets to the point where it doesn't even really matter who it is. As long as it's someone. 

And I think we're at the point where the Walking Dead aren't even the zombies anymore, it's the living. I'm fairly sure they are gonna go all "Lost" on us at any point now and ruin the show but until then I'm still invested. (Until Darryl dies. Then I'm out.)

A good friend always tells me that we all live lives of quiet desperation. But there's gotta be more to life than just survival people. I won't lie, sometimes that's all it is. I think I'm pretty positive most of the time on here, but it's a fact of life that we go through times where we are really just trying to make it through the day. Maybe for days and days, months and months, years and years. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Hopefully, you have your own community that supports you and has your back when the "walkers" come through. And...when you walked out into the sun today, felt the hope of spring finally chasing away the dark, cold winter we've been through, you smiled too. :)

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Same Love

I can't change, even if I try, even if I wanted to. My love, my love, my love... 

No freedom till we're equal. Sunday morning rant...

I'm not gay. My best friend is though, and she's the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. 

I think about going that way, no doubt about it. What with all the "awesome" guys I date. 

I'm not saying I know what it's like to experience racism or be discriminated against for your sexual orientation. I grew up Canadian, straight, cute, friendly. I can't complain. I do know what it's like to be judged though. 

I had to leave the Jehovah's Witnesses. Even though I was raised that way, even though it meant losing everyone I'd ever loved. It's not a choice. It just wasn't who I was. And lying about it for the rest of my life would have killed me before I finally died from natural causes. 

I hate religion. I realize the good it brings to some people's lives. But the flip side is all the families it tears apart. All the friends it takes away from you. All the wars it starts. 

The shunning from the inside seems to continue on the outside. We're in our 30s people, we all have a back story by now. I put up with yours. My ex was over the other day and I had to ask him what is wrong with me? When every time I tell that story the guy gives up on me immediately? Or, the couple of guys who have stuck around and feel like I owe them?

I really don't owe you anything. You decide to be with me, knowing my story? I'm grateful for the love and support, but I don't owe you anything. Staying was your choice. 

He agreed I have to tell it eventually. But he didn't have an answer to my question so he just gave me a big hug.

There was a point where I felt it would be better to die than be myself. I'm not there anymore. Love is patient, love is kind. And the sun is shining on us today. Let's make it matter. 

Sullivan out. 

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world...

Online dating sucks. I'm sure it works for some people, personally though, I'd rather meet people in real life. Share a look, a smile, make a connection. This whole thing just seems forced. 

Funny enough, sometimes you do meet someone in real life, make that connection, then lose it. Then one day you come home from work and there they are, front page on okcupid. And you have a message from them. They saw you there too. 

For me and 27 the whole thing was just a fun joke. After all, we're still great friends, we're having lunch together tomorrow. I couldn't help but wonder though, does this mean that I've come full circle? Have I exhausted all my dating options in Toronto? It's completely possible I've run out of men. 

Let me be nostalgic for just a minute and tell you our story. I was having drinks with a girlfriend on a very low key Friday night. I was wearing flats and an ugly sweater, I went out for a smoke and he was with a group of his friends, who were smoking too. Smokers are friendly people. His buddy started chatting with me, introduced us, under the guise that he was a doctor. I will never forget that look he gave me, the coat he was wearing, the way I felt. 

Cute "doctors" are harder than you would think to come by, so very, very quickly I was infatuated. Our first real date he showed up with a backpack full of food and wine. It was winter, so we basically had an inside picnic. We would dance in the living room, I'd make breakfast in red high heels, it was an interesting relationship from the beginning. So comfortable and easy. 

And I'm happy today to call him my good friend. It's still comfortable and easy and I'm grateful for it. Too many people have heard my story and decided to walk away. I appreciate more than you know, the ones who stay. 

I still can't help but think though that maybe, just maybe, my dance card is full and it's time to adopt a ton of cats and give up on love. Or maybe, me and 27 were just meant to have a good laugh tonight. Either way, tomorrow will be fun. Tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it. Make it count. 

Sullivan out. 

PS. Here's lookin' at you kid. And...We'll always have Paris :)

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

One more day...

It's been a fucking long winter in Toronto. People are grouchy, and I don't blame them. We haven't seen the sun or felt warm in forever. 

Today: 11.5 hour work day? Check. An 8 am and a 5:45 pm meeting? Check. Coming home to eat cold leftover pizza, have a glass of wine and watch Glee? Check. 

Still, I can't help but smile. We're almost a week into March people, we will make it to spring. And then, everything will feel better. We can all start complaining about the heat and humidity instead of the cold.

Yes, I obviously had a slight meltdown after my birthday. That's probably normal though, especially when your birthday is at the end of February. I didn't go to school this term, and that probably didn't help, little A-type needs all the extra challenges she can get. 

So instead I'm doubling up on my volunteer work and am not only doing the mentor-mentee thing but I've signed up for that committee at work that's planning the mental health week activities. We had a meeting today where we went through a huge spreadsheet of activities. Every time something came up, an article that had to be written, some ad to be created to post on the slideshows we have on the tvs in the elevator banks, I was like, I can do that!

Nope. I didn't get assigned to anything. As I've already mentioned, they asked me to speak about my experiences on the panel, which is their big event, and I thought maybe I could get away with doing something else instead. Apparently not. I went up to the girl who is running the project after the meeting and I said I felt like I got off pretty easy, not having been tasked with any work. She smiled and said that's because we didn't talk about the panel interviews. I was wearing a pretty dress and she looked at me like she was so happy to strike gold with someone who looked so well put together, who could get up there and tell such a messy background story and talk about how they made it back.

Blood, sweat and tears, my friend, that's the magic elixer. Lots of therapy, lots of crying, lots of yoga. Until you get to the point where you can accept the fact that it'll never be perfect. Even those perfect people you know, with the perfect pictures on FaceBook and Instagram, the ones you compare yourself to daily, are not perfect. You can compare yourself to them as much as you want, it's just self-destructive. 

If you watched the Oscars (and I know they have become incredibly boring, but I still love them the way you love your high school boyfriend...with rose-colored, years gone by tainted glasses) Matthew McConaughey said something incredibly smart in his crazy acceptance speech, smart for being Matthew anyways. He said in life, you need someone to chase. Someone asked him at 15 who his hero was, and he decided it was him at 25. At 25 they said, are you a hero, and he said no, my hero is me at 35. 

I like that idea that we're always chasing the best version of ourselves. It doesn't matter if we catch it, what matters is that we keep chasing. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting through today, and tomorrow and the day after...and eventually spring will come and it will all be unicorns and sunshine and rainbows again. After all, everything is impermanent, right?

Sullivan out. (ps. I love how when I YouTube'd this Pat Benatar, Amy Grant and Concrete Blonde all came up as suggestions on who else I'd like to listen to. Throw in a little G'n'R, some Bon Jovi and it's obvious I'm not really 27. :) )

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Confessions of a Church Girl

I had a lovely birthday. My friends are sweet and thoughtful and kind. This is what Thursday night looked like at the bar downstairs:

Perfect, right? 

I don't mean to come across as ungrateful because I'm not. Almost five years out though, it's still an uphill battle some days to feel at home in the life I'm in now. Do I feel loved? A thousand times YES!  

Is this home yet? Not so much. It's actually a lot like it was moving from PEI to Toronto. A big scary place where I felt I just didn't fit in. I made friends, I learned how to survive in a different place, play by different rules, but that process took time.

When I was a JW, one of my elders told me once when I was considering moving away with my BFF at the time, that I wasn't like her. I need to plant roots to feel grounded. Roots take a hell of a long time to grow. 

Before all the ex-jws who blog stalk me get their panties in a knot, I have to say, I'd never, ever consider going back. There's something about your birthday though that makes you crave family, consistency, structure. Things I don't really have anymore. 

I'll tell you a secret. If I could get a "day pass" back to my old life, I'd do it in a minute. Not forever, not undoing any of the progress I've made the past few years. Just a visit. 

I'd wake up in my old apartment in the Beaches, next to my ex-husband and roll over for a cuddle. He'd go across the street to Starbucks and get me a coffee while I took a shower. Cat would be there, whining at me for wet food. 

We'd go see my baby, he'd hang out with her dad, speaking Vietnamese while I helped her pick out an outfit for some upcoming, important event while we sang along to Taylor Swift.

I'd have lunch with my three best friends in Yorkville, the girls I grew up with since I was a kid. We were all bridesmaids in each other's weddings and I honestly thought we'd still be lunching together when we were old ladies. 

Maybe then we'd go see my mom and sister, and everything would be normal again. We'd come home, walk to the pub around the corner from our place and as we were walking he'd say what he always said: "People who are in love hold hands."

I'd go to bed feeling anxious, the same way I do now, but for different reasons. 

So I can't go back. I can't think of anything worse than a life of being bound to a cause I just don't believe in. But I still miss the people. It would be nice to visit. :)

"I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." - Alice in Wonderland