Saturday, 21 September 2013

The Ethical Slut

It has been another interesting week. I won't bore/disgust you with the details, but I had a bit of a medical emergency. I'd been having some pretty intense pain for 5 or 6 days, finally on Tuesday, I decided it was getting worse and not better, so I went to see my family doctor. Who took one look at me and sent me straight to Emergency at Mt. Sinai. And just like that, I missed half a week of work. The only thing that didn't hurt like hell was lying on the couch, so unless you count watching 2 seasons of Breaking Bad, I didn't really accomplish anything this week.

I know what you're thinking. Breaking Bad Margaux, really? What happened to Game of Thrones? Well, I have a confession to make. I've realized and already come to terms with the fact that I am polyamorous. That's right. I can love both Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones at the same time. And of course, there is always Dexter, who was my first, and will always be my favorite. I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now in an effort to figure the whole thing out and I'm telling you, those girls would get it.

I can't help but think about how drastically my life has changed since the first time I ended up in Emerg, 4 years ago. I was completely alone, I hadn't had an asthma attack in about 10 years, so I didn't have any medication around when it happened. The stress of being disfellowshipped, of Travis leaving, of the reality of everything that had happened must have pushed me back over the edge. I got to the hospital, and as it ends up, my health card had expired. So they were going to charge me something ridiculous like $400 to see a doctor. I had lost my job, my credit card was maxed, I had no one to call. So I sat alone in the waiting room until it passed. I figured if I couldn't breathe and started to turn blue they'd have to do something. Ethically.

This time though, everything was different. Despite telling him not to, my guy showed up before I even saw a doctor. Took me home, got me groceries. Lizzie was there after work to drop off my computer (ok, I did a little bit of work on the couch).

There were people dropping in, checking up, taking care of me. Now, this is still a novelty to me, always having been the one who took care of everyone else. Even my friend from work would check in everyday, offering to pick up anything I needed. Then, this happened. I got an email from my mother. It was a Watchtower article of course, but I just ignored that and wrote her back and told her what was going on. She offered to bring me dinner. She called my brother and sister and both of them called me last night.

I find it hilarious, this whole situation. For three years, I've been reinstated as a JW and mother and sister wouldn't have anything to do with me. I think they thought it would force me to come around, come back. That's what they teach, you know. Withhold your relationship and your family member will be so sad and lonely, they will have no choice but to come back. Except, I called their bluff. I actually moved on and built a great life, with great people, where I was very happy. Then, I told my story and before it came out in print, I gave them the heads up. I told them what I'd done, that I was an apostate and that I loved them and wanted to say goodbye. And it's funny, because all those years that I stayed low-key and tried to make this work - no progress. Now though, after admitting to committing this terrible "crime" against the JWs, it's like nothing ever happened. They are choosing to completely ignore it and plan family dinners instead. Like it never happened. I will never understand it. But it seems I'm getting off the hook for this one. The elders don't even seem to want to try to hunt me down and punish me.

Let's hope it's because they've realized that fear tactics, isolation, shunning and a general lack of love has no place in an organization that proclaims to be Christian. That's probably not it though. I think what's happened here is that they realized they completely fucked up in how they handled me, and they want to wash their hands and sweep it under the carpet.

It wouldn't be the first time or the last where that's happened, but the great thing about it is: I don't care anymore. We went to the market this morning, and my guy, as usual, bought me two bouquets of fresh flowers. One is blood red, one sunny yellow. And I think this is where me, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and Dexter all have something in common. I'm sure you can relate too, which is why these shows are so popular. We all have both sides in us, the dark and the light. We might go most of our lives living in the light until something pushes us into the dark. That doesn't make us bad it just taps us into that other conflicting side of ourselves. The challenge we have then is to help them live in harmony.

My secret life friend wrote me a poem once, he called it Blackbird. One line stuck with me: "turning feathers black to white, her crow became a dove". I'm pretty sure it's possible to be in the light, live through the darkness and come back out the other side, where it's sunnier than ever. It happened to me. :)

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Mean Girls

I wasn't going to tell this story, but it's been awhile and I have nothing really to write about besides my life, so here we go. (Click here for background music on this one.)

Once upon a time, I worked at a restaurant on the weekends and I made some really great friends. They were all young and fun and I spent an entire summer living back in my 20s that I missed somehow being so church girl responsible.

There were 4 of us who were particularly close, we somehow became branded as "J.'s angels", because there were 3 of us and one of him and we were inseparable. The girls would crash at my apartment, we all went out for drinks after work on the weekends, I even threw a big birthday party for one of them with streamers and balloons and cake. I helped the other one fix up her resume and update her LinkedIn profile and look for jobs. We used to get our nails done together. I thought we were going to be friends forever, or at least for a long time.

But then something terrible happened. I started dating J. I didn't mean to, really, but he was sweet and kind and one of the best friends I've ever had and almost by accident, we found ourselves together.

Apparently that wasn't a good thing. All of a sudden, I was out of the group. They would show up at Betty's, fall all over him and completely ignore me. I'd come over for one of his BBQs and get dirty looks and the cold shoulder. Did they want to date him? I don't think so. I tried to pretend it wasn't happening for months, because I'm a grown up, I'd just smile and try to be nice, complement their new hair style or their outfits. It wasn't happening though. I'd obviously crossed a line and couldn't go back.

Y'all know I pride myself on having been able to re-build a life that includes great, loyal friends that I trust and never have to worry about the possibility that they could leave me. And I'm pretty easy going. After awhile though, the game we were playing with these girls got old.

One particularly challenging weekend, one of them got drunk and I asked her why they act the way they do. Her response? Well,...we knew him first. Men of the world be warned: if you ever dare to date someone who hasn't known you longer than the girlfriends in your are in trouble! Don't even think about meeting a woman you don't currently know or trying to be happy with her, or your girlfriends will make her life a living hell.

Ok, that was a bit dramatic. Not all girls are like that, thank the Universe! Some girls are actually happy to see their guy friends happy or in love, and a true friend will always have your back and be supportive, EVEN IF they don't agree with your choices in life.

Now...whatever happens, is up to him. I however, am done playing nice. If we can't all get along, I'm removing myself from the equation. I haven't been in high school for a long time now and I have no desire to go back. Ladies, if you're wondering where he is though when he doesn't show up at Betty's...he's with me. :)

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Winter is Coming

What I learned from my blog-stalking endeavours of the day is: I need a new blog. I mean, this cheap (free) one had got me this far, but real bloggers have pretty websites with neat stuff on them. Do I want to have cute little Blackbird shaped buttons that you can hit to share me instantly on FaceBook, Pinterest, Twitter? Of course!

I'm going to look into it. I might have to sell the Cat to get some money to fund this project but she already told me she'd take one for the team. (In French. My Cat only speaks French and Vietnamese. She's very special/lazy.)

I had a week off work and it rained for a couple of days so I got an inside perspective on what it's like to be the Cat. Lying on the couch, then maybe a bite to eat, then lying on a different couch. They really do have it made and maybe someday they will rule the world while I clean the kitty litter.

You will all be happy to hear I've finished Game of Thrones and have checked myself into GOT rehab. No more "Winter is Coming" references. (But it is.)

We're holding on to one more special summer night, and I'm thinking that it probably would have made more sense to re-post "Goal Setting" as I had intended to do today instead of writing this blog. Fall is a good time to re-focus, re-define what we're doing with our lives. As everything around us dies, the future can be re-born. I'm not going to even ask you if that was cheesy.

I'm back to school tomorrow night. Summer was great but it's moving on and so should we. You should read Goal Setting and post a comment on what you're going to accomplish this year. Let's make it interactive. The future is in our hands, let's make it fun. : )