Saturday, 26 May 2012

I'm on the Edge...of Glory

Ok, not really but thank you Lady Gaga for my newest theme song.

Actually if I were 19 years old right now my life would make perfect sense. Broke, going to school, working at a bar, I have an online dating profile that I sometimes un-hide just to get a laugh from the comments I get and my imagined responses...but, I also have a demanding full time corporate job, an ex-husband and a fourteen year career of volunteer work for a crazy cult.

But...I'm making progress. I have a stupid weekend job at a bar, which means, soon I'll be able to get my nails done, buy my ridiculously expensive favorite hair products, go to a patio with my friends. Buy shoes. :)

My real job is fantastic right now. My blog is at over 3,200 reads. (Hello, where is my book deal??) I'm going to school. I got an A on my first assignment. I do have two real friends, which was all I asked for when I did my "life goal setting" two New Years ago. I've actually almost accomplished everything on that list. Even losing weight.

The funny thing about me, is that everyone always thinks I'm fine. Even when I'm not. They ask me for a ridiculous amount of "being ok", considering what I've been through the past few years. And even though sometimes I don't think I'm ok, it seems the busier I am, the more I have on my plate, the more difficult things that are asked of me, the better I perform. I could fight this. I've thought about it a lot. I tried to kill myself to get out of it, but it didn't work.

So maybe I'm not destined for glory. But the harder I work, the more possible it is that good things will come my way. Come on Universe, I've paid my dues, it's about time! :)

Thursday, 24 May 2012

The Tempest

"Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken"

I've spent a good amount of time on here talking about my poor broken heart. Love is the greatest thing in the world and I believe in it with every fibre of my being. And that's the way I choose love others.

The downside to that has been walking around for three years with a broken heart. Hoping that because I believed in my true love so much, eventually the Universe would right itself and things would work out the way I so desperately wanted them to. In one of his bouts of clarity this past weekend, Chris said something interesting to me. He said that true love really is the strongest bond possible. But it was only true love if both people felt the same way. And if one person was able to walk away from that, walk away from the strongest, most compelling force in the Universe, then for them, it wasn't true love. Or else walking away would be impossible. And unless both people feel the same way, true love didn't exist between them.

Has anyone ever seen the Princess Bride? It's true. Death couldn't even stop those two. (I know it's only a movie, but still...)

It's somewhat freeing, the more I think about it, the more I believe that what he said is right. And that means, if only I felt that way, it wasn't true love, and the thing I've been grieving the loss of all this time, I never truly had in the first place. And if I didn't have it in the first place, then I never lost it. And if I never lost it, it's still out there, waiting to be found. If it's still out there, then I can have hope again.

In other love revelations, yesterday, I received a message from my mother. It was the same three themes as usual: it's so hard on all of them without me, please come back to the group, we don't want you to die for your decisions. I know my mother loves me. And I love her. But the truth of the matter is, 1) I haven't left them. I'm happy to have a relationship with anyone who respects me and loves me for who I am. I don't think most of those people do, so once again, the things I thought I lost, I never had in the first place. That's not loss, that's the illusion of loss, and I don't see the illusion anymore, I see things clearly, maybe for the first time. 2) "Coming back" is non-negotiable at this point. I've come too far down a different path, survived too many sleepless nights and bouts of depression and crying fits, become too strong in who I am as a person to let an organization, parent, boyfriend, boss, anyone really, run my life again and tell me who I can be, who I can have in my life, what I'm allowed to do, say and think. 3) We're all going to die. Old age, cancer, being hit by a bus, "judgement day"...I'll take my chances on living a life that's free, honest and hopeful. Then at least when I do come to the end of my life, I'll be able to look it in the eye with dignity and self-respect.

And to be honest, things are going well for me, even here in Toronto on my own. I have a few really loyal friends, not the crowds I used to have, but people I know will be there no matter what I do. Their friendship is not conditional on my decisions in life agreeing with their wants or desires, but on me doing what's right for myself. I don't think friends like that are as easy to come by as some people believe.

I'm up to over 3,200 page reads on my blog. I've always wanted to be a writer and this has encouraged me greatly. Even on days when I feel I don't have much of value to say, someone is always reading the thoughts I send out. Despite not knowing who they are, that is very comforting.

I finally got up the courage to go back to school. That was not easy. And working full-time and taking the first two courses in this program, I'm exhausted. Today though, I handed in my first assignment. I got an A. Work is great. I'm working with people who believe in me and want to help me shape a career and who entrust me with more and more interesting and challenging projects. It's busy and it's hard work. But it feels like forward momentum and I've been lucky to come into the opportunities I have in front of me right now.

In life, we all at times go through a tempest. Some are short squalls, with limited damage. Others are more like a tsunami and we walk away feeling shaken, bruised or even broken and we're left to rebuild all over again from nothing.

Some aren't able to weather the storms, so they decide to take the easy way out, make it stop in away way possible. I feel sorry for them, because they never have the opportunity to see how calm and beautiful it can be on the other side.

Three years ago, I lost my family, the friends I had since childhood, my home, my marriage, my community, my job, my entire life. I had no money, no hope. I was destroyed from the tempest I lived through. But here we are, just three (long) short years later and it's a whole new world.

So don't give up on your dreams, settle for less or be afraid to hope you can have everything you ever wanted. The rain has to stop eventually and that's when the sun starts to peek out. In the meantime, a fabulous red lipstick and a great pair of shoes can help you fake it. :)

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Love and Other Drugs

I have a friend, who started seeing someone awhile ago. It's always a bit awkward in the beginning...oh, you're a smoker, oh, you have an 8 year old daughter, oh, you're actually 6 foot, three and a half.

Oh, you have a problem with addictions. Having an addictive personality often means you replace one addiction with another. Drugs? Alcohol? These can translate into many things: work, dating, sex, love. Love is a bad one. I have friends who have battled with addictions. And I can't blame them. I've struggled with my addiction for 3 years. His name was Adam.

Is Adam. He's still around, and I still struggle with it. Of all the addictions, Love really sucks. There's no support group. Your therapist gets sick of hearing about him. Your friends are fed up.

But I also know people who, while they might not be fixating on one person like me, are still love addicts. They can't be alone. They go from one new, exciting love to the next with lightning speed, thinking they will finally feel whole, if only this new person will love them back.

Maybe the only thing we can do is find a group of people who feel the same way, talk about it over and over, stay away from the thing that makes us crazy.

Or maybe we can change.

We can. Addictions, of any kind are not healthy. Anything that makes us act crazy, takes us outside of ourselves, hurts us or others and compels us to act a certain way, has no place in a healthy lifestyle.

This doesn't mean I think we shouldn't follow our heart. I did, and it didn't work out for me, but I still live feeling free and honest.

But we have to be honest with ourselves about why it's happening. Do you really love that person, or are you lonely, insecure, afraid to be alone? Do you need constant company or need to be needed?

The truth of the matter is, we are already enough, just as we are. If we find that love we instinctively crave, all the better for us. But to love someone unsuitable, just for the sake of loving someone, will never fill that void inside us that we wish would go away. The one that haunts us at night and interrupts our dreams with nightmares.

If we take the path of least resistance, we will always feel hungry. And whether it's love or other drugs, there will never be any real satisfaction.