Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Peace & new shoes

As long as I can remember, I've been searching for peace of mind. I couldn't find it. I think now it's a product of trying to please everyone else and never thinking, trying, working on who I am as a person. I've met so many courageous people, who aren't afraid to put themselves out there as who they really are, no matter what society tells them is acceptable, and it's inspiring.

My therapist, and many other wonderful people, think I'm ok, just the way I am.

So we should stop talking about so many serious issues, and talk about shoes. I've seen red and turquoise out already, and it's not even really spring. Save your money ladies, summer is almost here. It's the end of a season, and a significant one. :)

Monday, 28 March 2011

The "Jack Gene"

One upon a time, in a land far, far away, I was married to a very fortunate young man whose parents LOVED him. They didn't just love him the way all our parents love us, they loved him for who he was. Didn't matter what choices he made, what he did for work, who he married (although no one was keen on me), what opinions he had, what sports he played, they just LOVED him. It probably helped that he was good at everything and had pretty blue eyes.

But he believed strongly (and told me many times) that this is just how the men in his family are. No possibility of change or improvement, and although he seems to regret a lot of things that happened between us (as I do) he can't change.

A correspondance from my mum on the weekend makes me think. Sometimes, our parents only are willing to show their love to us when we fall into the life they wanted for us and be who they wanted us to be. And it's hard. They've been messed up by their parents.

Did Jack show Linda how to love? My guess is not. And I know she loves, and I love her so much. But if you haven't been taught how to show it, is it possible to still really love? And are we destined to follow in our parents footsteps or can we step out and be different?

So much of us is conditioned by the way we were brought up, by circumstance, by our parents. And we can hold onto that, and choose to be a victim of our upbringing.

Or...we can say no.

I hope to be a mother someday. But, in the meantime, I had Vivian. I hope that she knows, no matter what she does, I love her. I dont judge anymore. I'm not my mother, but I'm a lot of my father, and for better or worse (mostly better), I need to realize that, and work with it.

I could have had the Jack Gene too. Some things in life are left to chance. But a lot of life is actually left up to us. And we can choose to blame our parents. Or we can choose to start something new. :)

SWF - can't bowl, bad at knitting

So my quest to distract myself from Divorce and find something I'm actually good at as a hobby is not going well.

Online dating was a mess. I had so much fun bowling, but I'm not very good. At one point (I was provoked) I actually bowled two balls at the same time, and one of them came back and I had to chase it.

Also this weekend, my ever-patient friend Liz tried to teach me to knit. After about an hour we agreed that was not going to be my new hobby. (Sorry Mike.)

What I was good at this weekend - getting a hair cut and drinking wine. I probably also would have been good at shopping, had I attempted it.


Sunday, 27 March 2011

Mad Men

Break-ups, especially Divorce (sorry, I have to capitalize it for some reason) usually give women a welcome excuse to indulge a little (or a lot) in something we all do from time to time (be honest!) - complaining about men.

They're insensitive, or they don't get us, or they never want to talk about "feelings", or they just want to give solutions, not really hear our problems...this is how many women feel. Personally though, despite getting Divorced, I feel this entire process has made me appreciate men MORE than I ever have before.

Truth be told, there is The Asshole who started all this. He's mean and he lies, and he's a huge part of the reason I feel like I need to wrap myself up in bubble wrap and stick on a label that says "Fragile" before leaving the house most days. (NOT talking about my ex-husband. He's a good person and I love him a lot.) But besides that guy, I've been really lucky.

Not to discount the women in my life who have been fiercely loyal - Viv, Kyla, "Mama", Tara, Jen, Noelle, Katie, Grandma, Liz...the list goes on...

But one of my best friends showed up last night, with pizza and red wine, which he picked out because the store didn't have any of my favorites and this one had a happy pink label, and it made me think. My whole life I've put so much emphasis on girlfriends. And they are great to have. But when the chips are down, and I've stood on the precipice of completely losing myself trying to deal with all this loss, more often than not, it's been a man who grabbed me and pulled me back.

And they are sensitive. They do get us. They talk about feelings. They can listen empathetically without just giving you a solution.

Over the past couple of years, the men in my life have spent literally hundreds of hours listening to me talk about my feelings. They've stood by my side when I was alone and held my hand when I cried. They've lived with me, loaned me money, been my date for important events when I didn't have one, given me honest advice when I was getting derailed and needed to be readjusted, hugged me, sat with me without talking, put up with me when I wasn't me at all, let me sleep on their couches, brought me food when I was sick, remembered my birthday, cheered me up when I was sad.

In Jerry Maguire (best movie ever by the way) she says "Maybe men are the enemy. But I still love the enemy."

So yes, I'm getting Divorced. But I don't believe men are the enemy. I think they are trying just as hard as we are, sometimes harder. I think men are great, just the way they are. :)

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Truth be told

Well, it's been a big week for "the truth". What is it about parents and children, that even when we're old enough to have our own children, our parents feelings, opinions, approval/disapproval still means so much? It seems that especially that mother-daughter relationship is so fragile, so full of complications...

Coming to terms with being honest with your parents is a huge task. One of my best friends was able to get there this week, and she inspired me to try as well. The problem with putting yourself out there, with finally being able to stop pretending you are who your parents want you to be and start being who you are, is...they might not like it.

I've talked to quite a few people about this. One of my friends said her parents cut her off when she moved in with her boyfriend without being married. Another friend lost her family for about a year when she told them she was gay. Their parents eventually did come back, but sometimes parents don't. Sometimes they are so unflinching in what they believe, it will always be up to you to make good with them. And if you don't, if you hold your head up, stand tall and believe in who you are, sometimes that forces you to create a new family for yourself.

And the opportunity, the possibility of that, although it never takes away the hurt of being rejected by the person or people who raised you, is something to be very, very grateful for.

I know from experience, there are people who will let you come home, even if you haven't been there in a long time. And they'll let you bring other people with you, who need a home too. And they will love them like they are their own, even if they're not.

Sometimes home isn't the way we envisioned it. But thank God, I've learned that it's there.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

New topic?

So a few days in and my new project "plenty of fish" is boring AND annoying. The only guys who actually seemed nice were all the different profiles my friend Jonathan kept posting to help me realize what a collossal waste of time this was. (But hey, pot, this is the kettle. You're black.) :)

So, if anyone was actually reading this blog, I would ask: What's another good project for a recently divorced, happiness-challenged, 30-something? Also, bear in mind that any life changing projects need to be cheap, not all of us can take off life for a year and travel around the world eat-pray-love-ing.

My girlfriend today suggested becoming a lesbian, but girls seem even more high maintenance then boys, and well, that's saying something.

Suggestions?

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Giving up

It's been an interesting week. I wouldn't exactly say online dating is for me, I'm a bit too old fashioned. I'm not attracted to other races (sorry but it turns out it's true although I have amazing friends from every background and culture), I did get matched with my brother the other day, and the today I got a note from someone who asked if it was me they saw in the park across the street from where I live. He said I looked sad.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Dating in the real world

So my new project, Plenty of Fish, just matched me with MY BROTHER. This book I'm writing just gets better and better. And better.

What would my mom think?

I  love her. I do. But she thinks FaceBook is from the devil. Literally. If she knew I was not only on FB but also on Plenty of Fish (which by the way, not to offend anyone, does not seem that great in the last day and a half I've been on it) she'd FREAK.

I miss Adam.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Plenty of Fish

Ok so I've been on an on-line dating site for oh, almost 20 hours now. And it's like a car wreck, an addictive, can't look away car wreck. Ok maybe it's more like cigarettes or crack.

In the past 20 hours, I've received almost 100 messages with people saying things like, you have a beautiful smile. Yes, that's true, but seriously, there must be better opening lines when you send a message to someone you've never met. Isn't you have a beautiful smile a bit predictable? Or is this the reason all these people are doing it online now, we're too lazy to come up with clever opening lines or actually put effort into meeting people? My hair is in a ponytail right now so I can't really complain about people who don't make an effort...

Also, I already have a certified stalker, a 23 year old, a 50 year old and one guy I just talked to because he looks like Ray LaMontagne. (I have a weird geeky crush on Ray but I'm sure he's a bit strange.)

Stay tuned. I'm already bored with "plentyoffish.com" but it I'm a lonely insomniac, so we'll see what happens.

The lowest of the low

OK so I joined an online dating site. I wanted to go on EHarmony, have you ever seen those commercials? Everyone meets their soulmate and looks really happy. I've already met my soulmate, but you never know. Maybe some people have 2 soulmates. But it's like $50 a month.

So I joined Plenty of Fish, which, as it turns out, is full of people who don't sleep and who are online at 3 am. I don't know how I crossed the line from pretty & popular to online 3 am geek. But someone really should make a movie about this...

I know I'm short, but can Charlize play me pretty please?

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Mistakes

OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free.

How did I get here?

Seriously. How?

I was raised very religious, I married my best friend at 25, I worked hard to help people. I was a people pleaser.

Now I'm in my early 30s. I'm divorced, I'm in love with a man I'll never be with. I have a pretty dead-end job, I cry on the weekends. I'm not sure how to turn it all around...does anyone, who has ever been happy or married or in love figure out how to soldier on once you're not?